COMMAND

Thirty Nine

So much was different between Rogue and me.

So much remained the same.

He was still who he was, the man I had feared and came to understand. He would still remain who he was—a mystery to me, and every day, I get to peel off each of his layers. I loved him and he knew that now. It hadn't been the right moment to say those words, but would there ever be a right moment?

Has everything between us ever been normal? We could never be normal. We could never be like everybody else and I understood that. There were certain things I had no choice but to trust him with, one of them being giving himself all to me. The whole of him. Not a slight piece, but everything. I refused to accept anything else.

He taught me to want more than I got, and what mattered was that he knew I would always want more. He wanted that as well. I understood he was a man who wanted to take charge, to control, and be submitted to. He had shown me that part of him more times than I could count, but he had kept himself in check for me. He wanted to be good for me, but he had never been good. He wasn't a monster, but he was in between.

I figured out that I contributed to changing him. Pete wasn't the only one who held him on a chokehold—I was unconsciously doing it to him by keeping him from being himself. Rogue was scared of losing me so he tried to be the good man he wanted me to see. I never wanted him to change who he was for me. Above all else, I wanted him to be who he truly was; Rogue and Tyson.

I didn't remember falling asleep or ever saying goodbye to Anna. When I woke up sometime in the night, I was on my bed. My clothes had been changed and the spot next to me was empty, leaving a brush of coldness behind. But I could hear the shower running and relief washed through me, knowing he was still close. I forced myself to lie back down and shake away any remnants of sleep. I slept for a few hours. I hadn't realized I had been so tired until I couldn't feel the slight ache at the back of my head and my body seemed to have relaxed.

Moments later, I was up on my feet, pushing myself towards the bathroom door.

The door opened just a crack and I peeked inside. The bathroom was steamy, so I couldn't see anything at first. The steam drifted out of the room and settled on my face and neck. There was a mirror in front of me, and I could make out his image in the shower. He was facing the shower so I could only see him in profile. His skin was pink and white from the intensity of the water. One arm was braced against the wall, his long legs spread for balance as his head dipped toward his chest.

He seemed to be in deep thought, forgetting the water that was cascading down his back. I wondered if he was thinking about what I said earlier. If it had bothered him to find me asleep and couldn't wake me up to confront me. I wondered if he was hurting from losing his best friends. At least, the latter was more appropriate. A gush of sadness entered me that I couldn't take away his pain. There was nothing I could do but watch, and I didn't even want to watch him go through the pain anymore.

I slowly shut the door and crept back into bed, tucking my legs under me.

I heard the bathroom door open and the soft scrape of Rogue's feet against the carpet as he made his way toward the bed. I felt the bed dipped as he got between the covers, feeling him relax into the mattress.

"When did you wake up?"

"A few minutes ago," I whispered with my back toward him.

He slowly dropped a light kiss on my bare arm as his wet chest met with my back and his damp fingers traced along the arm he had kissed, leaving me tingling in their wake.

"Turn around." His voice was low, deep with fatigue but he still managed to sound sexy. I didn't turn around just yet. I contemplated if I should be because I still found myself feeling shy towards him. I knew he hadn't forgotten what I said, and neither could I forget it.