Diary Of The Lovely Firework

Page 3

June 10, 2005

I've been so busy with signings and playing sets I haven't gotten the chance to write so I guess I can go over a little bit about what happened.

For the past few days Pete and I just talked, got to know each other when we weren't busy.

But yesterday we had the whole day off in New York City. It was one of those glorious days where we got to sleep in a hotel for a night, in a real bed.

But it was still daylight so I spent the day wondering around New York City and times square with Pete. We had lots of laughs and also some deep conversations. One I remember the best is in a small little café we stopped in called The Jet Black Crow. I don't think I've had coffee any better than at that place.

"Everyone's a little sad" Pete replied when I made a comment about how I was worried about my brothers drinking (which seems to be getting worse but I'll talk about that later). "he just isn't dealing with it in a very healthy way. When I was depressed I would cut."

In that small little café we started sharing secrets. He would tell me about how he got bullied in high school and it got worse when he came out as bisexual. I told him about how I was always living in my brothers shadow. He told me about the sad nights alone, though he only ended up in the hospital once (which made my heart ache to see him sad). Then I told him about my struggles taking care of Gerard. It felt nice having someone to talk to about Gerard. I wasn't looking for advice, I was just looking to lift a little weight off my shoulders and Pete felt the same.

I cut the sad stories off short when I saw the lights begin to turn on and I dragged Pete to the middle of times square. I was in complete awe of the lights that shined bright in the darkness. I wanted to just stand there forever, taking in all the flashing lights and colours that danced across electronic billboards. Even in that busy square, it felt like I was alone, completely taken aback by the beauty that seemed to send me into my own little world.

I didn't even notice Pete grab my hand until I looked up at the jumbo tron to witness us on the screen. I dropped his hand and couldn't bring my eyes to meet his. I mumbled out something about how I was tired and wanted to go back to the hotel. It was a short walk once we figured out how to get back. We were totally lost until we got to the creepy voodoo shop with the two skeletons out front. Then he knew the way back since when we first went out he joked about them being twins, born together, died together.

I got a room to my own that night, which Pete knew.

"Thanks for hanging out with me" I tell him. "New York was beautiful"

"Really?" He asked

"You didn't enjoy it?" I felt kind of embarrassed as to how childish I was today.

"I enjoyed the time. But I had only seen the lights in the reflection of your glasses." Pete explained. It was one of those things that makes you go 'he thought I was more beautiful than the most beautiful city I have ever witnessed'. I didn't have time to react before his lips connected with mine. This time his lips felt different, it was nothing like new years. New Years' kiss was alcoholic, rough, sloppy. But yesterday's kiss was full of soft passion that had the smallest bit of lust he was trying to hold back.

He went to separate the kiss but I grabbed his lower back, pulling him back into me.

I don't actually think he was expecting me to kiss him back because it caught him off guard. We lost our balance and fell backwards into my hotel room, landing on the red carpeted ground in a fit of giggles.

"I'm sorry" I squeaked, feeling the weight of the older man shift off my body, though his face still hovered above mine.

I watched him connect our lips again, letting my eyes flutter closed. I hear him kick the door closed as his soft kiss turns fast and lusty, but the bits of love still shown through.

I remember how he pulled away, his eyes asking for permission.

I knew what I wanted, but what I knew was right seemed blurry at the moment. Blurred with the ecstasy that clouded my mind and put me in a place of lust.

As of right now, I'm still not sure if my decision was right.

I woke up this morning to the gentle hum of Pete in the shower. I picked my glasses up from of the side table, and sat up in the bed.

I knew it wouldn't be right to run away. I fought every muscle in my body that screamed 'run and never look back'. But I stayed.

I fumbled around the dark room, searching for which clothes were mine. Jeans were easy, mine were the taller ones do to the fact Pete is vertically challenged, as for a sweatshirt, I just took a random one and hoped for the best.

Pete came out of the bathroom trailed by hot steam, and I did not blame that stream for one second. He was only in his jeans, leaving his abdomen exposed to the open air.

He flipped on the light to see me admiring him. "You look cute" he says kissing my cheek. I looked down and of course I was wearing Pete's sweatshirt and there was no time to switch according to the angry texts from my manager that asked where I was and why I'm late for bus call.

Once everything of ours was out of the room, we rushed down to the buses, but not before a quick kiss from him in the elevator.

"Who'd you have sex with?" Frank laughed as I ran into the bus.

I groaned and smoothed down my frizzy hair.

And now I'm here, writing my crazy life into a piece of notebook paper, avoiding looking at my phone so I don't have to deal with Pete right now.

Just kidding, I ended up looking at my phone anyways and since I had a conscious, I had to reply.

P: I'm sorry about last night. We went faster than we should've

M: it's fine I didn't mind. :)

P: Really? Maybe we could do it again after another date ;)

M: Yeah. Totally.

It's not the fact that Pete and I had sex that scared me, it was the future. I never want this to be a casual fuck when it feels like it can have so much more potential.

I think I just need to sleep it off...I will think better in the morning.