Diary Of The Lovely Firework

Page 8

August 19, 2005

I couldn't bring myself to write for a really long time. It hurts too much...but warped tour is over, in my house, alone, where no one can hear me cry.

At the beginning of the month, sometime at the beginning of the second week, I woke up after a night with Pete. I noticed a note written in Pete's hand writing, the same hand writing that I woke up with on New Years, this time it read 'I love you. In so sorry'. Millions of things ran through my head, wondering if he's going to try to kill himself again or if he's doing drugs.

I had to go through that whole day, no calls or texts from Pete. By my set time, it was blazing hot so I took off my sweatshirt, exposing the note that I forgot to wash off. I'm pretty sure it was in lipstick but like that super stain stuff.

He didn't call until around nine that night.

"If it were any other summer" "I have such big plans" "I can't do a relationship right now" "we're still best friends" "I'm sorry"

Those words never leave my head. I can blast sad songs but I still feel loss. The sick feeling where I don't feel sick, I just don't feel right. I don't feel complete. I wasnt codependent with Pete, but him and I had something greater. If it were any other summer. If only I told him I loved him sooner.

I spent an hour in the bathroom, scraping my skin raw to get the essence of that note off my skin. My bandmates knew, Gerard most of all. I heard him yelling about Pete to Frank and I cried harder.

They all knew not to say anything. I continued tour somehow and came home.

The last thing he said to me was "goodbye Mon Cheri"

I don't know if being okay will ever be an option.

I loved him.

It was the summer of like.