NIAN FOREVER

Chapter Eleven

3 Months Later (FLASH FORWARD)

Nikki's POV

Ian has been putting distance between us, it is like he is trying so hard to enjoy family night or enjoy time with me  but he can't. It's like he feels guilty and so he stays away but we still have sex every night. At least that hasn't changed. 

I can see right through him and it hurts, I wish it wasn't like that and I so desperately hope that everything can be the same again. The past three months have been hard on him, and I understand but it's been three months enough time to heal. I personally don't even see what he needs to heal from, we separated for Bodhi now we are back together. 

My thoughts have been this way for 2 months and 3 weeks, and I can't bare this anymore. I can't pretend like I don't notice he is unhappy; I love him so much I would do anything for him to be happy. 

"Good Morning mommy" My three year old daughter wakes me from my thoughts, her gesture also wakes Ian up.

"Good morning guys" Ian replies, he is smiling but it is a weak smile like something is missing and it would never be right again. He attempts to kiss me like the old days, but something stops him. 

"My breath stinks Nik" He must have noticed my sad expression, so he gives me a hug instead. A half hearted hug. 

I need to talk to him, I can't ignore this anymore. Each day I keep convincing myself it is probably nothing and I am over thinking and maybe I am. But I need to know, I have to know. 

"Ian.... we need to talk" I say it, the dreaded 5 words that every couple hates. I can't loose him, I really can't. But I also can't be in a unhappy marriage, clearly he isn't satisfied and as much as it hurts I can't force him to be married to be. 

He looks at me, guilty as if a child has been caught doing something they shouldn't. But that goes away as quickly as it appeared. Approvingly he nods, silently telling me to say what is on my mind.

"Ian for the last few months we have tried to fix our marriage. To me, this means a lot because I love you a lot but I have noticed that things between us aren't the same." His expression changes and guilt takes over again, this time it doesn't leave.

"Nik-" I cut him off 

"No, let me finish please. Look I feel like you aren't as happy and maybe you are but you seem sad. I don't know what's going on, so please tell me what's wrong." I wait, he doesn't say anything but he looks down. It looks like he is having a internal battle for what to say. I decide to push him again.

"Ian... " He looks at me "Tell me the truth" I say softly. I don't know what the truth could be, but I have prepared every possible thing he could say. From he having cancer, his father dying,  him having issues at work, or him struggling from depression.

"I don't know  if I feel the same way about you anymore "

 Out of every circumstance I imagined, this wasn't one of them. It felt like a million knives were stabbing my heat and I had no control over the tears that were rolling down my eyes. The hurt I was feeling was more painful then giving birth to my daughter, this was emotional pain. 

"Nik, I am so sorry." He attempts to comfort me by rubbing my back.

 I can see that he was guilty and he wanted to help me feel better, but I couldn't even bare to see his face. Every time I looked into those beautiful blue eyes, all I saw was that he didn't love me anymore. Hurt, it hurt so damn much to be in the same room as him.

"I want a divorce" I say, as loud as I can. 

He looks at me puzzled as if he wasn't expecting me to ask for it so quickly. But I can't, I really can't live with him anymore, I can't even look at him.

"Yes sure, I will call the lawyer" He says softly, I can sense that it hurt him to say that. But I feel hurt, and betrayed. 

"I need to know, what changed?" My voice shakes and I know I will regret asking this later but I need to know. 

He doesn't say anything, he just looks down. 

"What changed Ian!" I say louder than any of our conversation before. It startles him before looking at me with guilt. It was so prominent in his face, that I doubt even a murder feels this guilty.

"I.... I don't know" I know this was lie, he very well knows what changed. Maybe I could do something differently, we can try to fix it if he tells me what changed. The thought keeps coming to my mind.

"Ian please tell me, do I need to change something. Is it me, did I do anything wrong" I ask desperately

"NO, Nikki, you did nothing wrong. You are perfect, god you are everything I wanted in a wife. I just ... I realized something when we were on break. As much as I wanted to unrealize it, I can't. But it isn't you Nik, its really is not you. It's me. I am the one who is tearing apart our marriage." 

For the first time this morning, he spoke more then a few lines. The realization hit me like a wave, our marriage is beyond repair and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I wanted to grow old with him, be together as our daughter went to school, college, university. Her marriage, her kids, our grandkids. But that will we be my forever dream, because after this day I don't even want to see his face again

And I am backk :)) Did yall miss me??? ok so somereed is about to get a divorce, how do you guys feel about that? Do you guys like the fact that they are finally over, or do you feel bad for Nikki? Comment comment comment. This was a kinda short chapter, but I didn't know what else to add so ya. More coming soon!