Independent Girl | ONGOING

Chapter 9

Life hasn't been easy for me lately. I thought I was free from the nagging feeling but it only returned in a full force. I know that I have friends but I can't help to think that I'm a third wheel in our friendship that I wasn't as close with the others as they are with each other. The feeling only intensified after what happened last weekend.

I was in the shower when my phone been ringing non-stop. It was one of my highschool friends. I called her back right away and she said they were planning to do a zoom call and I was invited. I was shocked because of how we ended things, I didn't really expect them to contact me after all these years.

I steeled myself and decided to accept the invitation. I thought that by facing my fear I would get a closure. But boy, how wrong I was. I wasn't ready to face them.

We called not long after that. It was 8 PM my time which mean it was 7 AM their time. I knew my friends weren't early riser but they said they wanted to follow my timezone so it wouldn't bother my schedule and I deeply appreciated it. I thought after all they cared for me.

After everyone joined the call we started to talk to each other. Catching up with life and what not. But it didn't fail from my notice that they know about each other life better than I do. How they ask about each other latest fling or school or even family stuff like they've talked about it before.

I couldn't help but feel alienated. The feeling was eerily similar to what I felt in high school. It made me uncomfortable. I was there but I didn't talk much. In the end, my anxiety was rising far too high I left the call early. I told them I have something to do but little did they knew that thing was to try to not let the feeling eat me alive again.

I caught my breath after that time. I tried to learn that sometimes some people aren't meant to be in your life and that's totally okay. I tried to make peace with it but when I saw them posting cute pictures with— what was— our group I couldn't help but be jealous. I was supposed to be in those pictures if what happened didn't happen.

I uninstalled instagram from my phone after that. I didn't want to see what could rise my self-doubts again. I spent the weekend overthinking everyone's intention and how I felt like I couldn't fit in. "Not even with your new classmates" that tiny voice in my head made me feel even worse than I already did.

It was true I tried to blend with my classmates but when they talk about Jungkook or Baekhyun or the newest korean drama I can't really join in the hype. Believe me, I tried because I wanted to fit it. I don't have anything against it in fact I think it was great. But still it was not me to spend a lot of time watching movies and I really prefer to listen to something I understand (Korean language is not one of them, sadly..). So even though we were civil I wouldn't say we are friends.

By Sunday I was so done dwelling on my highschool friends. I decided to give it a shot. I asked some classmates to watch the newest Marvel movie with me. To my disappointment, all of them turned it down. They said they already made a promise to watch it with another friend.

In the end, I tried to ask Yuna. She was not the in the same class as I was. All I know is they had a test tomorrow which was the reason why I didn't call her on the first place. I was surprised when she agreed to go. I was ready to be rejected again.

The dam was already broken though. I know I was probably being irrational but the voices in my head kept screaming of how I don't have friends. How I was a loner and no one wanted to be close with me. It replayed every memories that made me hate myself.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" I yelled with my head in my hands. "I wish I was different.." I whispered to myself.

After some time, I managed to collect my thoughts. I tried to put a brave face on and got ready. I refuse to let the voices ruin what left of my weekend. I have to be stronger, I have to.

Here goes nothing. I said to myself as I put a smile on and left to meet Yuna.

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Hello lovelies!

A rather gloomy chapter I'd say. Maybe some of you thoughts that Nesya is overreacting but I think sometimes people who has their trauma triggered react differently.  It might be inaccurate though but please,

Share your thoughts? Suggestions??

Love,

Serena x