unexpected feelings | marichat

chapter thirty-seven

marinette's pov
it had been about four days since i'd last spoken to chat noir. four days since sandboy had been reakumatized. four days since chat noir learned of chat blanc. and four days since i had been brutally reminded why chat noir and i could never be a couple, not with hawkmoth, shadowmoth, whatever stupid alias he used, still around. i hate the number four.
it was way too dangerous. dating meant risking my identity even more. and last time he'd found out about it hadn't ended well. i couldn't have another chat blanc-esque akuma happening to him. for his sake... and for mine. the thought of having to face that again made me feel terror like no other.
he had texted me a ton of times since that night. me as in, marinette. he still seemed to be mad at ladybug. as if he doesn't have every right to be mad.
it had started off with our regular banter, silly things like "hey, purr-incess, i be-weave in you!" or "i was watching me before you and began laughing at 1. how much you remind me of the main girl and 2. how much sobbing you'd be doing if you were here ;D" (a/n: yes adrien absolutely does watch rom coms in his room alone wbk), but eventually they began to become more urgent. things like  "marinette ? are you okay?? call me, pls" and "im getting worried, and you wont even open the door anymore. ur parents always say ur busy with something. pls let me know ur ok?"
i hated ignoring him like this, and lying to my parents about why i couldn't see him, but i knew if i answered him, all my resolve would crumble. it was enough to see him as ladybug. i couldn't spend all day, everyday with him outside of saving paris anymore. it had been a mistake from the start, and a small part of me had always known it. this was the only way i could make sure i would get over him, and to make sure he would not find out who i was under the mask, no matter how painful it was or how long it would take.
now we sat atop le grand paris hotel, our chosen patrol spot for today. so far, there had been nothing but silence, from both paris and chat noir. it was tearing into what little resolve i had left.
after an hour of zero talking, i was fed up. "look, chat noir, i know-"
"i'm so sorry, ladybug!" he interrupted, a desperate look on his face. i gaped at him. what on earth is he sorry for?
"i shouldn't have blown up at you when you explained everything that had... happened. i know you kept it from me to protect me, and you didn't mean to hurt me. although i do still wish you had trusted me, it wasn't fair of me to hold all that against you. i won't force you to trust me. i just really hope you'll accept my apology," he said, holding my gaze. i squeezed his hand, an action that seemed to make his worry lessen.
"i understand why you were mad, and it's okay. i'm sorry for keeping everything from you, kitty. you did deserve to know the truth, and i really hope you believe me when i say i trust you more than anyone in this world," i assured him. he broke into a grin, the relief on his face beautifully palpable.
"we're a super mess, aren't we?" he said, and i giggled. it gets messier, chat! if only you knew.
we sat in silence for a few minutes, my hand still entwined with his. after a while, i turned to look at him. admired how concentrated his eyes were on the city, how ready he looked to pounce if anything was amiss. those eyes could just as easily express a million different emotions, and make me feel a million different emotions.
i tried not to sigh. it was going to be impossible to get over him. he was on par with adrien, maybe higher at times, and when i was alone with him, thoughts of adrien ceased to exist completely. not that it mattered anymore, anyway. i was going to get over chat noir, and the insanity of having to choose between two guys who didn't even like me romantically would soon dissipate. i'd still stop seeing luka, though. he needed to be someone's first choice, not third. and, great as he was, i couldn't give him that. not for a long time.
chat noir turned to me and smiled. "something on your mind, little bug?" i creased my eyebrows at the change of pet name. there was one i didn't hear too often.
"so, it's little bug now, huh?" i asked, and chat ran a hand through his hair sheepishly.
"haha, yeahhh.. you never did like bugaboo much, did you? still, don't change the subject! what's on your mind?"
i racked my brain for an idea on how to lie of what i was thinking about. there was none.
   "what do you do when you want something, chat? you want it but you know you can't have it, even if it's RIGHT THERE. you know that if you reached for it, everything could just, implode. but, it's just, ugh, you can't help but want it despite that. because it's finally something that you can see yourself having. what do you do then? do you just, give up? either way you hurt yourself, so what's the real solution?"
   chat noir's face took on a thoughtful expression, and it took about a minute for him to finally provide an answer. "i think my first instinct would be to go for it. i mean, if it's right in front of you, why not try and get it? but sometimes things don't work out, or simply aren't worth the trouble, and it hurts, yeah, but you get over it. it takes time, but that thing you wanted so badly slowly stops taking up so much of your time, and your thoughts. sometimes, you may even find something else worth fighting for on the way. even if you don't fully forget about it, it gets easier," he concluded, shrugging and smiling slightly sadly at me. i took in what he said, nodding slowly. i guess time really is the only answer to my problem.
   we sat in silence for a few more minutes, surveying the city. it still seemed awfully peaceful, and i didn't know what exactly to make of that. of course, silence doesn't last very long here.
"i like someone," chat noir suddenly bursts out, shattering both the silence and a piece of my heart. ouch. i try to respond, but all that escapes my throat is an ugly choking sound. good going, marinette.
"o-oh? that's awesome!" i finally let out, though at the moment it felt everything but awesome. "wha- what's she like?"
the frazzled expression he wore softened. his eyes took on a dreamy look- as if heart eyes were a real thing- and it was clear that, whoever this girl was, owned his heart just as ladybug once had, maybe even more so. the feeling bubbling in me was so horrendous, i began to question why i ever thought i could give him up. of course, now i really didn't have a choice, not with him in love with another girl.
"oh, ladybug, she's incredible. she always puts others before herself, and she's so incredibly kind. i've known her for a while now, but just a few months ago i began to finally realize she was more than a friend. she's got these beautiful eyes, they're like the same color as yours actually, and she always uses them so expressively. i'm not sure she even realizes she does this, but at times i'll catch her making a face, whether it be an angry pout or a happy one and like, she sticks out her tongue when she's concentrated and it's just, she's incredible," he rambled, sighing contentedly. i plastered a smile onto my face.
   "does she... does she know you like her?" i asked, wondering if the mystery girl was even aware of his feelings. oh my god, what if they're dating?
   he shakes his head, an action that briefly brings me comfort before i realize that maybe i should help him pursue her. i mean, at least i wouldn't have to third-wheel anything this time around.
   "oh, um, well, why don't you ask her out?"
   chat laughs lightly and shakes his head, though the sadness in his eyes is unmistakable. "i'm not sure if asking her out would be the best idea. especially now that she isn't even talking to me," he mutters. i frown, briefly hating the girl for hurting him before realizing i've also been giving him the silent treatment for the last few days.
   "you know, it's probably my fault," he continues, looking down sadly. "i probably did something to hurt her without noticing. i doubt she likes me, anyway. plus, she's better off without me. i'm too... dangerous."
his words broke my heart even more. i had refrained from telling him about chat blanc because i knew he'd begin to doubt himself, to believe that he was too dangerous or unworthy. but now he knew, and now he felt exactly what i feared he would feel.
"stop," i say softly, before upping my tone. "stop that! stop acting like this is your fault, like you're this person that destroys whatever he touches! chat, you are absolutely not 'too dangerous.' if she's not talking to you, it's not your fault. don't beat yourself up over it. and don't for one second believe you're a threat to anyone. you are one of the sweetest, funniest, most caring people i know. i swear to you you are the furthest thing from a threat. you just told me not to give up on what i wanted. so don't give up on her, chat. and, if it doesn't work out, you'll make it through, just like you said. i promise."
he stared at me for a minute, shocked as he registered the words i'd blurted out.
"you think i'm funny," he points out, the whisper of a grin painting his lips.
i laughed despite myself. "that's the one thing that stuck with you out of all that?"
"mm, no. but it's the one thing i can use as leverage!"
"whatever, just don't let it get to your head."
he smirked. "too late for that. thank you, though. for the compliment and for listening to me. you're an amazing friend," he said, throwing his arms around me. i leaned into his hug, knowing it would probably be the last for a while if i was ever going to get over him. friend.
————
   as soon as i arrived home, i slumped onto my bed, burying my head into my pillow. "tikki, does it make me a jerk if i secretly hope that this thing between chat noir and that girl doesn't work out?"
   tikki flutters to my side, nibbling gingerly on a macaroon. "no, you're human, marinette! it's in your nature to feel jealous when the person you love loves someone else. besides, you gave chat noir advice on how to win her over. and you're not even trying to sabotage him like you tried with adrien and kagami! you're not a jerk, marinette, you're the complete opposite of one!"
   i cringed at the reminder of what i had done to try and stop adrien and kagami from happening. granted, it had been before i became kagami's friend, but it didn't make the whole thing any less heinous. maybe both adrien and chat noir had dodged a bullet, liking someone who wasn't me. i groaned, feeling like the epitome of a bad person.
   maybe i deserved this for rejecting him so many times. i was always so busy focused on adrien, who, as amazing as he was, never loved me in that way. i never took the time to truly look at chat noir for who he was beneath his puns and flirtatious behavior. and now i had lost them both to beautiful, kind girls who probably had everything i could never have. i mean, at least we'd be friends?
   i did hope he was happy. more than anything. but an awful, selfish part of myself wished he'd never be as happy as he could be with me.
  i caressed the necklace chat noir had given me, which sat in my purse along with a spare macaroon and the lucky charm adrien had given me for my birthday. something about the necklace and the giver of the gift made my heart clench. whatever it was, i was determined to get rid of, and quick.

(a/n: alexa play happier by olivia rodrigo, also omfg 2k reads... u ppl are all so incredible and i literally cannot thank u enough for reading my fic, ive loved writing it sm and honestly i feel like its dragging on a bit but u guys keep reading and agh ily all sm <333)