The Bargain

The Split

For the first time since he could remember, Hux felt ill. He knew exhaustion and pain, of course, and he'd been injured more than once in the line of duty. But this was different. There was a throbbing ache in his head and he felt sluggish and weary. It was degrading that he knew he wasn't physically ill, that this was caused by emotions only.

Prove once again that it made absolutely no sense to allow himself to feel things.

He was not that useless paper-thin boy he had once been, but the Grand Marshall of the First Order. This state of mind was completely unacceptable. He tried to bury himself in work and it helped a little, but on the other hand doing what he did had never felt this useless. He couldn't even seem to remember anymore why it was so important to bring order to the whole galaxy. He had believed his own mind to be in perfect order, yet a few tender touches and friendly words had been able to turn it into chaos.

The worst thing was how readily and carelessly Kylo had thrown away everything they had. Just six words, spoken without regret or much thought and everything was over. It was almost unbearable.

He didn't know how he was supposed to face Kylo now. As happy as he had been that Kylo would be back aboard the ship, now he loathed seeing him again. He wasn't sure if he would be able to hide all his anger and disappointment and be as aloof as he wanted to seem.
Of course, he would not be able to avoid Kylo forever, he knew that. He just needed a little more time to get back to his normal self. It had to be possible, right? For years he had survived with almost no emotion at all apart from anger and ambition. He had been completely self-reliant. It should not be too difficult to get back to that.

*

It was his resting cycle and he was lying completely still on his sofa, trying to concentrate on battle plans and statistics. It was no use. His mind kept going back to Kylo Ren and how close he had felt to him. It felt even more degrading to be betrayed by his own body once again. His skin still craved Kylo's touch, his lips remembered his kisses all too well and that aching unfamiliar need would not abate, even though he kept telling himself that there would never be another encounter with Kylo Ren.

Why could he not close this chapter of his life like he had been able to close every other one? Why did this keep burning inside of him when it was so completely useless? He was a man of logic and intellect and this behaviour went against everything he stood for. He couldn't even say if he was angry or sad or desperate. He only knew that he was deeply unsettled.

Nothing warned him of Kylo's entrance. He had of course changed the code to his quarters, but he should have known that Kylo would be able to use the force to get here. He quickly rose to a sitting position and tried to seem as collected as possible while feeling utterly vulnerable.

"Hello Ren." He crossed his legs. "What brings you here?"

Ren eyed him for a moment, seemingly confused. "I wanted to see you. To be honest I was hoping you might welcome me on the hangar deck."
Hux almost snorted. Typical for Ren to just throw a punch like that at him and expect absolutely nothing to change afterwards. "Why would I do that?"
Ren sighed. "Why indeed. Look Hux, do you really think we should keep pretending?"

Hux couldn't believe his ears. "Oh, so that's what it was for you?" His voice was very quiet, and he noticed he sounded almost amused, despite the bitterness and pain that was flowing through his veins now. "Can I please remind you that you were the one who asked for this little arrangement in our treaty?"

"I know." Ren had the audacity to look at him with that pleading gaze he had. "It was a mistake. I should not have demanded that of you."

"A mistake? That's what you call it?" Hux was almost about to laugh, but he was afraid he might start crying or something equally embarrassing if he did. He bit his lip instead. "You could not have realized that a bit earlier?"