Nettlestar's Atonement {BEING UPDATED}

Chapter Thirteen

Nettlepaw woke the next morning, realizing Sagefeather had treated his wounds while he slept. The tear in his ear would probably leave a scar, but his other wounds were healing well.

The wound in his heart after losing Dustcloud, however, was not filled and would most likely never be completely. Nettlepaw rested his head on his paws, feeling empty.

Finchpaw was already gone when he woke, but there was half of a rabbit she had left for him. He took a bite, but wasn't really hungry and ended up pushing it to the side.

A leaf-bare wind seemed to slice through Nettlepaw's fur, but he barely noticed. The pain inside him was was worse anyway.

Sedgefang padded into the den, curling around him like she had when he was a small kit. They lay there like that for a moment, simply enjoying each other's presence.

"It's going to be okay," his mother assured him. "I know it hurts now, but it won't always be like this. One day you'll look back on this and be happy you had him, even if it wasn't as long as you hoped."

At these words, Nettlepaw felt another surge of grief and rage. How could AutumnClan just enter our camp and kill him? He thought in anger. Why has StarClan allowed this to happen?

"We have to be there at his vigil," Sedgefang murmured, rising to her paws. But Nettlepaw stayed where he was.

"I don't want to. If I go..." he trailed off. If I go, it means he is really dead. If I stay here, I can pretend when I wake up he will be there to take me hunting or climbing and tell me he is proud of me.

"You must go," his mother said firmly. "You should honor him and how he was brave when... when..." she trailed off, and Nettlepaw felt anger rush through him again.

"Brave?" Nettlepaw spat. "How would being brave make up for what happened? We weren't even fighting for anything! His death was pointless."

Sedgefang met his eyes, and he saw that hers were filled with immense sadness. "It's the least you can do. We can't go back now."

Nettlepaw caved. "Alright." How is she being so strong?

His mother smiled, though her eyes were still sad. "Let's go. It's starting soon."

Nettlepaw rose to heavy paws and followed her slowly out of the den. The bright sunlight made him squint. A few cats looked at him sympathetically, but he kept his head hung, not looking back at them.

Featherstar was standing on a branch of the Clantree. Dustcloud's body lay in the center of camp, with his various wounds now cleaned and laced with lavender so the scent of blood was covered and he almost looked asleep. But it just seems... fake.

Nettlepaw knew underneath Dustcloud was really dead. He knew he wasn't waking up that day or ever, so what was the point of trying to hide it?

"Tonight I would like to honor SummerClan's warrior who gave his life in the battle last night." Featherstar began.

"Dustcloud was a brave and noble warrior. When he joined the Clan, I must admit I had my doubts. But he has proved himself time and time again." She lowered her head, and Nettlepaw had to look away from Dustcloud's body again.

"May I speak now?" Sedgefang asked in a hoarse voice. Featherstar nodded.

"He was an amazing father and an even better mate. We relied so heavily on each other, and I don't know how I will... how I will go on without him." She trailed off, gathering herself. "But I know that is what he would want and I will go on, if only to see him again someday."

Nettlepaw realized most cats had turned to look at him.

"Dustcloud... he was a great father," he said, voice hoarse. Clearing it, Nettlepaw continued. "Sometimes I was reluctant to spend time with him because of what other cats would say." He had to force himself to not look at Thornpaw. "And now I regret that."

"He was always there for me. He was the best father any cat could ask for, and I pushed him aside." Nettlepaw looked at his paws. "I just hope one day, I'll see him again and make up for it."

Featherstar nodded solemnly. "Would any others like to add something?" Nettlepaw didn't listen as Brightpetal told her feelings about him when he first joined, or how he was a great friend to Mistdapple and Cloverwing. Sedgefang's sisters.

I'm sorry, Father. I hope you can forgive me some day.

He couldn't believe how he could have ever been ashamed of Dustcloud's roots. He was a warrior, through and through.

And one day I will be too. His sadness was replaced by a surge of confidence.

But Nettlepaw only felt empty as Brightpetal and Flowerstream carried his father's body out of camp to be buried. How can I continue to live my life without him?

"I have another task to do today, though it is not with such a heavy heart." Featherstar mewed with a swish of her tail.

"After the shock of Liontooth's betrayal, I felt it was not the right time to name another cat to take his place," she continued. "So I will do so now, before moonhigh."

"I say these words before StarClan, so that the spirits of our warrior ancestors may hear and approve of my choice." Featherstar mewed. Nettlepaw was curious to hear who the deputy was, but it was shadowed by his grief.

"The new deputy of SummerClan is Cindershade."

The dark gray warrior's eyes gleamed with surprise, but she kept her cool demeanor. "I am grateful, Featherstar," she mewed. "But am I really the right choice? There are many great senior warriors to choose from."

Featherstar purred. "You are my choice, Cindershade. You will do great things for this Clan."

Nettlepaw wasn't surprised that she was doubtful. Being a deputy was only one step away from leader, and not every cat could handle that position. But Featherstar seemed confident in her choice, and Nettlepaw agreed that Cindershade would be a good deputy.

Cats began to leave for their dens, and Nettlepaw didn't wait for any other cat to speak with him before retreating to the medicine cat den. I don't want to be asked more questions. I don't want to be reminded of what happened.

But Finchpaw was already waiting for him when he returned. "I brought you something," she said cheerfully, but Nettlepaw could tell she wasn't really feeling it.

Nettlepaw sniffed the squirrel she brought, but still no hunger came to him. "You can have it," he replied, laying down in his nest.

"You didn't eat the rabbit I left this morning."

Nettlepaw looked up at the apprentice. "What about it?"

She sighed and lay down in the nest next to him. "I'm sorry if I'm being too much. But I lost my father that day as well, and I only want to help. I wish you'd stop pushing me away,"

Nettlepaw felt a twinge of guilt. I could have been a bit nicer about it, but I still want to be alone.

Finchpaw huffed. "I wish you could go back and be the way you were." She said half to herself. Nettlepaw closed his eyes, trying to ignore the comment.

Sorry, Finchpaw, but I don't know if I'll ever be the same again.