ballads of heartbreak

ctrl freak

When I was thirteen, my history teacher went on medical leave at the beginning of the year. I didn't know her in the slightest. She set a seating chart and assigned groups for a project. She didn't return until late March.

The group project was absolute hell. I was assigned to complete it with three boys who didn't care about school in the slightest. Their names were Zach, Zack, and Rudy. I hated them. They didn't do a thing the entire time. The class was already in chaos because of my teacher's absence. They'd spend the entire hour walking around and talking about stupid shit.

I was much too fixated on getting a good grade. I did almost the entire project by myself. It was only a day before the due date when they decided to help. The substitute was aware of my struggle.

Zach colored the American flag green. I thought it was funny.

Anyways, the time comes for us to present. I told them that they had to do the talking because I did the poster, they complied. It was sufficient.

After class the substitute called us all back. He told us that the only reason we had gotten the score we did, was because of me. We got an A.

I cried after class. I don't remember why I was under such stress at the time but it was cathartic.

I never did think it was fair though.

I did everything.

Why do they get my good grade?

It was then I realized that I could only really rely on myself in situations. It's very strange, committing to a project with someone and realizing that you want it all your way.

I'm a control freak. If things are not the way I envisioned them, they are wrong.

I also realized it was hard to trust other people. Asking someone to please do their share became a chore and a tiptoe.

But I don't want to do it all myself. It's hard and stressful and it isn't fun when you're alone.

Putting my trust in people to do their part is difficult. But I am not God, and my word is not definite.

Sometimes I must be appeased by a heuristic.