ballads of heartbreak

♦️A

The only love you've ever known to be true and innocent is the one between the characters on Disney shows. For the audience is far too young for the creators to stigmatize it. You always had a feeling that you weren't growing up fast enough, as everyone else continued with the rest of their lives and you continued to long after Disney channel relationships.

That was when things seemed easy. Before you faced the truth and realized you'd likely never be loved if the only love you can handle is PG.

You try not to feel like a fool. But in reality you never liked yourself much from the beginning and now you know that all you'll ever be is a prude, good for only you know what but never to give it. Forever alone.

And maybe it isn't true, but you've never been made to feel like the contrary. And sometimes when you go out seeking consolation for feeling like a freak you get told to suck it up or speak up.

You don't want to speak though. You feel like you don't owe anyone an explanation for the way you are. And it's so exhausting and invalidating to feel like you're an alien, for not desiring something so simple.

Sometimes you feel like maybe you're faking it.

But you probably aren't.

For you've been afraid since fourth grade and it hasn't gotten any easier since. And every strange feeling you had growing up finally started making sense once you had a name for what you are.

Yet all you can stand to be is ashamed. Poor little girl wants a Disney love. Poor little girl wants it all.