ballads of heartbreak

Alone

I was a good girl when I was little.

The teachers loved me and my independence.

I had straight 4s.

I felt this sense of superiority over the other kids cause the teacher never felt the need to check on me or babysit me.

When I hit middle school, my parents stopped going to the open houses. I did all the pretty work and behaved so well, only for them to never meet my teachers and never hear about my behavior.

They never checked my grades obsessively, like other parents do with their kids. They just signed what they needed to and moved on with their night.

Why would they need to? I'm a good girl. If something was really wrong they'd see it in the report.

I stopped asking for help on my homework in sixth grade, when my dad and I spent an hour on a problem that he also did not know how to do.

When I got to school, the teacher explained it in 3 minutes. I learned to use the Internet instead of asking.

I started to realize that I wouldn't have that same feeling that the other kids have. I wouldn't be supervised or praised for trying my best, I'd get a "good job" when the report came in, and that was about it.

I used to write fanfiction in seventh grade. I was pretty popular, and I loved being loved. People expected things of me, I had fans. I was watched.

But eventually I lost interest, and so did they. And that was that.

These days I am the same girl I was before.

Smart and independent, no one needs to check on me. They'll see my work at the end.

It's actually really shitty though. Because the work is hard and emotionally taxing and I feel as if I'm completely alone. No partner nor supervisor, no one to ask about my progress, no one to check in.

Because why would they need to?

It's not like I've ever disappointed them before.

And sometimes I want to, solely for the attention, so that people would be disappointed in me and keep an eye out for me.

In the end I feel like I'll disappoint myself more than the others. So it isn't worth it.

If I was to abandon the work I love, it wouldn't be able to function without me.

Sometimes I want to, but I don't want it to fail.

But it'd be nice to get some recognition for once.

Maybe a "thank you".

Maybe a "good job".

Or maybe it's a "I see everything you've been doing and I know how much you care about this and I just want to let you know that it's so appreciated and I couldn't do this without you".

Yeah,

That'd be fucking fantabulous.