Live to fight and fight to live

23 // nightmares and trauma

As soon as I walked into the door Ryder ran upto me
"Hey buddy" I said as I picked him up
"Hey sissy" he replied
Sissy? He never called me that before I didn't even think he knew who I was to him but hearing that I couldn't help but smile
"Hot chocolate sissy?" He asked causing me to giggle
"Of course let go" I said as I put him down grabbed his little hand and went to the kitchen, this became our new thing Everytime I came home from somewhere or Everytime Ryder was upset he would always want a hot chocolate, it became our bonding time and I honestly loved it
"Where are the others buddy?" I asked as I gave Ryder his hot chocolate
"Don't know sissy Mitch not here and the kids are playing" he replied which kind of annoyed me since it was nearly 10pm and all of the kids should of been sleeping, I didn't realise how late it was
"I'll be back okay?" I said he nodded his head as I walked upstairs trying to find sasha I walked into her room without knocking
"Ever heard of knocking" sasha said looking annoyed laying on her bed watching some show
"Ever heard of putting the kids to bed when I'm not here?" I replied
"I thought Mitch was doing thag tonight"
"Well according to Ryder he's not even here"
"Fuck" she replied
"Whatever I'll do it myself"
Before walking back downstairs I went to Mitchell's room to see if Ryder was right and he was no one was in his room and this is why I used to hard go out.

I walked back downstairs to see Ryder cutely drinking his hot chocolate
"Time for bed buddy quickly finish your drink and meet me upstairs okay?"
"Okay"
I walked back upstairs to tell the kids to go to sleep to only see jade was already sleeping and the boys were playing with legos
"Boys bed now" I said as I walked into miles room where they all were
"But 10 more minutes" Alex complained
"It's already ten it's pass your bedtime so no"
"Fine" he said trying to give me puppy eyes I tucked miles in and made my way to jackson and Alex room with them following me once I was done tucking them in I went to ryders room to see he wasn't there so I went back downstairs to see if he was there but he wasn't I called out for him as I went back up the stairs and checked every room to only find him in my bed
"What are you doing buddy?" I said going towards my bed
"Me sleep with you pleaseee" he said which I jusg found adorable
"Okay only for tonight"
"Yay" he replied
So I sund him a song to sleep and cuddled him I didn't know how having two new brothers would turn out but honestly I'm loving it, I'm connecting more with Ryder and Alex is connecting more with the boys, I honestly love them and am glad we saved them from our toxic father.

I haven't been this happy in a long ass time, I was always scared and looking behind my back because I just didn't know what was going to happen but now my family are doing well, be got to know my two new brothers and have become close to them and we've gained their trust, I've gotten to know Casey Black on a different level and actually figure out that I have strong feelings for me even if I'm happy about that I'm still scared about it too, I've got a part time job so I meet new people and it still gives me time to spend with my family and my mother and father are out of the picture, what else could I want right now?

I woke up to another one of ryders nightmares, I hated when this happened to him it broke my heart Everytime
"Shh baby your okay" I said while rubbing his back he was still half asleep
"No leave us alone" he yelled out
"Ryder your okay your safe"
"Noooo" he yelled out again which just made me wonder what our father actually did to them and what went on in that household
I shaked him and said "Ryder" he needed to wake up to stop the nightmare from happening
He opened his eyes and started crying straight away
"Your sage babyboy" I said as he dug his head into my chest more
"I hate him"
"I know we all do baby but he's not coming back for you I promise" I just wish thag was a promise I could keep
He looked up to me with his beautiful light big eyes and said "I hope so"
"No matter what happens Ry I'll always be here to protect you"
"Thankyou sissy I'm glad I have you" he replied I was trying to not cry from what he just said and instead of replying I just rubbed his back to try and get him back to sleep.

That whole day til Ryder woke up for the second time he didn't seem like his self at all, he seemed quiet and afraid, I hated seeing the effort our father had on these innocent kids, Ryder didn't leave my side all day but he also wouldn't talk about it or anything for that matter and I didn't want to push him to talk about it, for such a young age he sure as hell as been through a lot and as much as I wanted to know what happened I knew he would talk when he was ready, it made me think how is Alex so brave and that I don't see the side of him that I see with Ryder? Or maybe he's just better at hiding it or maybe he even thinks he has to be strong for Ryder.

"When's our mum going to come get us I don't want to be here anymore" Alex said as we all ate dinner
"I thought you liked being here" I replied, this was the first time either one of them brought there mother up since we picked them up a few weeks ago I thought they understood..
"I do but I want my mum" Alex said while playing around with his dinner
"I know buddy but she's not coming back" I said trying to hold back the tears
"Why not" he replied
"I thought you knew why?"
"Well I don't" he screamed back
"Hunny it's not safe for you boys to see your mum anymore okay" sasha said speaking for me
"Well that's bullshit" he said
"Don't swear" I replied and he just stormed off upstairs
"Tay can I talk to you?" Sasha said
"Yeah" I replied as we got up and walked away from everyone else
"I've kept in touch with their mothers So she knows how there going and our father just seems to be getting worse but she won't do anything about it" sasha said
I took a deep breathe before replying "well there's not much more than we can do other than keeping these boys safe"
"I guess" sasha replied looking to the ground

I didn't know how else we could help the boys mother if she wasn't willing to help herself and do something about our fathers actions, she didn't care about herself she only wanted the boys out and safe and I didn't want to risk or put any of us in danger to get a woman out thag isn't willing to do it to herself these kids had too much to lose if we went any where near our father, I just couldn't do it for the sake of this family
"Just promise me you won't do anything stupid sasha these kids need us more than they do"
"I know and I promise I just hate someone getting hurt because of him"
"I know so do I but she needs to help herself she didn't want to take our help and she doesn't want to help herself so I don't know what else we can do" I replied
"I know your right"
I just simply nodded because that's all I could say, what I was saying was the truth and I'm glad sasha understood where I was coming from as much as I would love to help another person from that monster I just couldn't I had to look after my family first that's the most important thing.