Vanilla Dusk ✓

Dusk Part 8

Ren's body is cremated. Shaan burns his letters as well so that they can reach heaven. Asher asks to keep Ren's rifle and Kaiden stays with them till Ren is nothing but ashes.

'I only have you now,' says Shaan, squeezing Elli's hand as they watch their comrades' corpses disappear into smoke. 'I enlisted because I've lost too much. World peace is a dream – an impossible dream. We all know it.'

'A world without wars has never existed in history,' says Elli, shifting closer to Shaan. Shaan has turned away from him, probably hiding his soaked face and quivering lips. He has never once shed a tear in front of Elli, not when he speaks of his deceased family, the forbidden dreams and the non-existing futures; not when he is a millisecond away from death on the battlefield or almost losing his limbs permanently in a mission. He tries to think of Ren's death as inevitable and destined. Ren was dead long ago, the day Shayla perished and they were torn apart, the very same day he signed himself away to the army to embrace death the second time. It's just a matter of time when the same fate knocks on Shaan's door, inviting him to join his dear family and best friend.

Elli's hug pulls him back from the abyss, his scent exceptionally comforting and the warmth radiating from his arms reminding him of the same warmth engulfing Ren's body right now. Ren is now weightless, no longer shackled by any chains. He can float and fly in the air freely, delivering his letters to Shayla. It isn't a tragedy at all.

'I think he's happier now,' says Elli.

'True.'

They sit down on the ground and stare at the fire ahead. Above them the sky is illuminated by the setting sun, with beams of reddish orange overlapping each other. Occasionally, a few birds flit past, vanishing into the distant clouds.

Standing not far from them, Kaiden twiddles the dog tag around his neck. Earlier on, Griswold has asked for his dog tags during breakfast, not before shoving a pack of crackers into his hands.

'You'll need some snacks on the way,' Griswold has said with his trademark grin.

Kaiden declined his offer politely. When Griswold asked if he could exchange his dog tag with him, Kaiden refused again. The Sergeant didn't press on, simply smiling awkwardly while scratching his head. He waved Kaiden goodbye and left the tent without another word.

'Kaiden?'

Kaiden twitches and turns around reflexively, coming face-to-face with Floris, who has bandages all over his limbs and is limping with a crutch. His left eye is covered with a pad and a large stitched scar cuts across his left cheek.

'Are you alright?' asks Kaiden, hurrying over to Floris, who nods and hands him something silvery – a customised dog tag with Griswold's name engraved on it.

'Where's Lorenzo?' asks Kaiden, ignoring the dog tag. 'And...Gris?'

Floris doesn't explain much. He only pushes the dog tag to Kaiden and smiles. 'He wants you to have it.'

'I don't get it,' says Kaiden, still refusing to take the accessory. Floris sighs and puts the tag around Kaiden's neck, despite his protest.

'Lorenzo didn't make it,' says Floris. 'And you can find Gris's body in the tent.'

Kaiden gazes down at the dog tag Floris has put around his neck. There are faint reddish-brown stains on it.

'What do you mean?' asks Kaiden, clutching the tag close to his chest. Floris doesn't speak. He totters forward and holds Kaiden. Instead of pushing Floris away the way he normally does, he lets him lean on him and sob. He sees Griswold's body in the tent. His eyes are tightly closed, his lips puckered. There are a few scratches on his otherwise immaculate face. There is a gap in his chest and the blood has long dried on his uniform. Kaiden frowns, feeling a painful tweak in his heart but those tears never surface his eyes. He walks closer to Griswold's now stiffened, cold body, tracing his right hand across his sunken cheek and darkened hair. He finds the pack of crackers in the left pocket of his pants. He sits on the ground next to Griswold and tears open the packet. He stuffs the crackers into his mouth one by one, munching them patiently and savouring every bite. They get saltier and saltier.

After that day, Kaiden doesn't talk much. He is often seen with Floris, helping him change his bandages and sterilising his wounds. A couple of times, Shaan and Elli try to converse with Kaiden during meal time but he only smiles and shares with them his portions before moving over to sit with Floris, who will then tell him what remains in his memory about Griswold.

The war rages on. On Elli's twenty-second birthday, Shaan manages to get him a cupcake with a candle lit in the middle.

'I'd have put on a firework display just for you, Elli,' says Shaan, reminiscing about the days when he could play with firecrackers near the beach with Ren.

Elli chuckles and makes three wishes silently – the first being that he can reunite with Jónas one day. He knows that Jónas is somewhere out there, still alive, fighting gallantly every day just so they can meet again. His second wish is for Shaan to stay with him forever. Once the war is over, when Shaan is rendered no place to go, he's going to invite him to his hometown – a remote village in the North with stupendous views of glaciers, turquoise lakes and waterfalls. They can live in a barn, farm and fish together or even run a ranch. Shaan can read to him, teach him words he has never been able to write and tell him stories he has never been able to learn back at school. The third wish is, of course, for the war to end as quickly as possible.

Asher tells them that there is only one mission remaining. The night before the mission, they lie side by side near the lake, sleeping on the grass as they admire the starry sky. Shaan is holding his hand and humming a birthday tune. He tries to coax Elli into revealing his wishes to him but Elli pouts and seals his lips.

'What're you going to do once this is over?' asks Elli. He knows Shaan has nothing left and he at least still has Jónas. He wishes Shaan would say something about following him wherever he goes or starting their life anew somewhere together. That's his plan – the future he has been painstakingly living for.

'I'll go to a bar and drink till dawn,' says Shaan.

Elli laughs.

'And watch you twerk when you're drunk,' adds Shan.

'I don't twerk,' growls Elli.

'Just kidding. I promised Ren I would bring him kimchi, and I told Kaiden I would try pancakes with maple syrup.'

Elli nods, recalling the day when Kaiden returned with broken ribs and a missing leg. Precisely two weeks after Griswold's death, Kaiden got bombed fatally and Floris went missing in a mission. Nobody has ever found his body.

Kaiden left in Asher's arms. His brother keeps his spectacles, his dog tag and Griswold's. Nothing more. His body has been cremated, just like Ren's and Griswold's.

After a squad was down, the European Allies sent over another squad the next day. People come and go. Those who remain envy the gone, praying that one day their own freedom will return.

'I'd very much love to stay with you, actually,' says Shaan suddenly. 'Would be fine to follow you anywhere. I don't have a home anyway.'

Elli perks up immediately, a wide grin on his face.

'We all need something to cling to,' adds Shaan. 'A sort of faith – even if our belief is dying, I guess.'

And so, a home he will give Shaan.