The Girl With The Missing Arm {on hold}

:03

I'M FALLING AND FALLING. It's a never ending fall and there's nothing around me but blackness. Blackness and me. I'm screaming but no sound is coming out. I try pawing the air trying to find something to grasp, but there's nothing and no one there. No one there to help me. Fall with me. Keep me safe. No one. Just me. Just when I think that I'll be falling for an eternity I see the ground spread out before my eyes. And then-

"Noah! Noah!" I hear someone call out my name and feel a force shaking me. My eyelids flutter open and I see my mother looking at me, concern evident in her eyes. That's when I realize that it was just the usual nightmare. The nightmare that haunts me almost every night. The nightmare that I wish wasn't really true.

"Are you okay? You were screaming." She asks as she rubs my back soothingly.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I respond, my voice raspy and hoarse as I wipe sweat trickling from my forehead and making my hair stick to my skin. "It was just the same nightmare. You know the usual."

She gives me a meaningful look. "Are you taking your meds for it?"

"Yes."

"What about you're antidepressants?"

"Yes." I reply again lying through my teeth as I eye the bottle by my bed side. I hate my antidepressants they make me feel even number than I usually do.

My mother gives me a knowing look. She can tell when I'm lying. "Well how about I give you a cup of water and you take another one?"

"No thank you."

She smiles sweetly. "I'll just go and get you that water why'll you get your pill ready okay?"

My mom comes back with the water and gives it to me. Then waits patiently for me to put the pill in my mouth. I hesitantly put it on my tongue letting the bitterness of it settle for a minute before taking a swig of water to wash it down. The whole time my mother watches me like a hawk.

"Open your mouth."

I open my mouth and she surveys it carefully.

"Lift up your tongue."

I obey. When she realizes that I've swallowed the pill she gives me a satisfied nod and I close my mouth.

"Good night Noah." She plants a kiss on my head. Her cold chapped lips cooling my burning, warm forehead. For a fleeting second I wish she would kiss me, cuddle me, and tell me everything would be okay again like she used to do when I was younger. But that thought quickly dissipates when she gets up and leaves without another word, closing the door behind her.

I pull my covers over my head and try to drift off to sleep again, but it doesn't come like usual after I get those nightmares. So instead I just lay in bed letting my thoughts consume me.

*    *    *

Morning comes soon and I reluctantly drag myself out of my bed. "Noah I have your breakfast ready!" I hear my mom yell but she sounds so far away and distant. Why does everything feel so muted? I then recall back to last night and the pill my mom forced me to take.

I groan in misery, but my voice doesn't sound like it's coming from me. It feels disconnected from the rest of my body..

I slowly put on some frayed gray pants having to use my bed as support and then put on a dull black flannel.

I go downstairs and my mother buttons it up for me without a word passed between us.

"Your breakfast is ready." She repeats. "I made pancakes and eggs. Your favorite."