That's why

The painful day his hope died

After saying goodnight to the dude he texted me later saying, "Ah it is kinda lonely without you blabbing in my ear." "Ah I'm sorry man," I replied. He didn't expect me to still reply. He thought I was asleep and woke me up. He didn't, I was still busy making scenarios in my head for what was going to happen the next day. I was supposed to meet a good friend of mine. She and I hit it off very well and I started to like her more than a friend after a while. 

'And I could only think of 1 scenario that I liked. That she hated her and she didn't want anything to do with her.' He wrote about me talking about the friend I liked. Reading that after everything had already happened felt even worse. He had the guts to say he's only human. So am I and you don't see me spreading things like that on the internet. I kind of am right now, I just really want to show my part of the story. I get that he was upset I didn't like him back, but wishing the worst for someone... Yeah no that's very bad. 

He told me he didn't want to be alone again. That sentence really hurt me. It felt like all the talks, compliments and other things were all meant to get together with me. As if the friendship we had meant nothing to him and he only wanted to have me. Yeah I know he wrote the complete contrary. Now that I can look back at these memories with a clear head I think I actually never did feel any attraction towards him. I might have told him that I wasn't sure but now I am. I wasn't in a very stable position mentally back then and any kind of confirmation of someone liking me felt comforting. My mind played tricks on itself. Oh my... you don't hear me complaining the way that he does...

I wish I could be the one who decides who gets an oscar. He deserves one for giving the most dramatic, sad and pathetic acts ever. He assumed he stood a chance, I was simply being nice to him. I'm sorry sir that you had mistaken my friendly flirts as actual love. Should I put a warning on my head next time? 

He said he wanted to disappear, so I said to disappear with me. It has always been a dream to make a road trip through Canada, so might as well think about taking a friend. You ruined this dream though I still invited you. After that he said he loved me. Oh by the way, he also screamed my name when he woke up from a nightmare. You screamed your own name too, that's hilarious though. ( I should have done the thing he dreamt about, would've prevented all his bullshit that came next)

I felt bad for him liking me and me liking someone else. Back then I thought I liked both of them, now I am very glad I never did and never ended up with him. First of all I am amazing and second of all he is a guy. No really, I should've seen right away that he was one of the most toxic people I had ever met and how obsessed he seemed to be with me. 

My friend visited me on valentines day and we spoiled each other with silly gifts. After she had left I told the dude I was very happy and sad at the same time, because she made me happy and I was going to hurt his feelings. 'What the actual fuck' he thought. What else was I going to tell them? Yeah you know what I'm going to ignore the fact that I am actually more into girls and just date a guy that has mommy and daddy issues. In his words I was rationalizing breaking his heart by talking about my sexuality. Oh I didn't know liking someone was a choice. It felt like he blamed me for outing what I actually felt. At least I can express my feelings instead of having too much toxic masculinity to do so. 

I tried to not make him fully fall apart so I told him he did cheer me up sometimes and made me laugh. I also said I didn't deserve him which is in fact true. I deserve better, I learned to love myself and I can clearly see he doesn't love himself. The part where I called myself a dumb idiot was in fact a lie, well partly. I am still an idiot and I'm proud to be one.

I got together with the girl a couple days later. She was actually really worried about the dude and asked him on Instagram if he was okay. I think I remember him texting that he was fine, but reading back his story his reply there makes more sense. He wanted to use violence to solve his problem. Sweetie, you still don't see why I didn't like you like that?