Paganini's Puppet | Ryeji

Promise

The cat-eyed girl didn't know when she started feeling the way she did towards the particular cellist. All she knew was, Ryujin was too good to let go of.

Yeji POV
That was so impulsive. What is wrong with me?!

I pulled away from the kiss after a few seconds.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."

"I-it's okay."

Fuck. I weirded her out.

Ryujin POV
What just happened. Does this mean she likes me or was that just in the spur of the moment?!? Was that a mistake? Crap, think of something to say!

"I just...needed someone."

What was that supposed to mean?!?!

"Don't worry about it. I understand. I'm here for you." I faced her.

"C-can I trust you...Ryujin?"

"Of course."

"I- I really need someone to talk to." She stammered.

"You can talk to me, I'm listening."

She looked into my eyes. "Can you promise to keep what I tell you between the two of us?"

"I promise."

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The cellist had difficulty falling asleep that night. Not only did the person she adored kiss her, the violinist also told her more information than she could have possibly absorbed in one night.

Ryujin POV
My mind was racing, and my heart was pounding from the information Yeji had told me.

I could hear her heavy breathing beside me, indicating that she was asleep. Even when she's asleep, she looks gorgeous. I guess it eased her, being able to let all that off her chest, but at the same time, it feels like a weight of that was put on me...

I quickly snapped back to my thoughts.

It was all so much to take in.

Recap: "I've never really told anyone this...but I've been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember."

Yeji is...depressed. I could have figured it out from the way she tried to...unalive herself just a few hours ago. But still. She always appeared...fine. I could tell from the moment I met this girl that she had high standards. Maybe... a little too high.

"My biggest fear is failure."

From practical birth, her parents had always put pressure on her to do well. To be the best. It was ingrained into her brain. But, it was mostly her father pushing her, as her mother worked a very high paying, intense job on Wall Street, working over 80 hours a week. On top of that, if she'd fail to please her father, he'd end up...beating her.

"I hate my dad and my mom is never home."
"If I don't succeed, there'd be no point in living."

She's a true perfectionist. Her standards are set to be as high as they can possibly go, maybe sometimes even impossible to achieve. This would, however, set her up for constant disappointment and negative evaluations of herself if something didn't go her way.

"I was panicking really badly after I had finished the Sibelius performance back then. I hated myself for making those stupid mistakes on stage. I knew you sounded better than me...I just couldn't accept reality."

She is overly self-critical and fears any sort of failure. Such fear eventually developed into a diagnosed form of anxiety, constantly afraid of making any little mistake. Moreover, she is excessively concerned with how others view her, evaluating her own self-worth through unattainable accomplishments. It's incredible how she's aware of all this and yet can't seem to...fix herself? She uses this anxiety to propel her forward, appearing to be successful, calm, put together.