Paganini's Puppet | Ryeji

Grief

Yeji POV
Days had passed since Lia's death. Ryujin and I agreed to keep silent about what happened. After all, we wouldn't want to tarnish Lia's reputation after she had just killed herself. She didn't deserve that. She needed help more than anything, and she was a good friend. I was grateful for everything she'd done for me despite the last interactions we had together.

Part of this whole situation didn't sit right with me though. I could have saved her. It's the least I could have done for my best friend. I know she had dreams too. She could have become one of the greatest pianists to live. I wanted her to become successful. After all, we both had planned on achieving our dreams together when we were younger.

My heart was aching. Maybe it would've been better had she actually died in the plane crash. Maybe then, I wouldn't be feeling this guilt eating me alive.

"Hey babe...I brought you coffee. How are you feeling?" Ryujin walked into my room with a steaming cup.

I sighed. "I'm...okay."

Not really.

She sat on my bed beside me and handed me the cup.

"Thanks," I said.

"We have our first appointment in a few hours. Let's get you up. babe. I know it's hard, but it's for the best. I'll be downstairs making breakfast."

She kissed me on the cheek before leaving.

I placed the coffee down and got up to the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror.

Ruffled hair, hanging eyelids, dark circles under my eyes, wrinkles, eye bags, pale skin. I looked horrible.

I didn't have the energy to get out of bed over the last few days. Ryujin spent her time taking care of me while I cried most of the time. My mind kept going back to Lia's death, thinking of all the alternative scenarios that could have happened, how I could have saved her, how things would've been different had it played out another way.

Whether or not Lia was psychotic, I still lost one of the most important people in my life, and it hurt, bad.

I quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth before heading into the shower.

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"Make sure you take these meds. Try to meditate, maybe do some yoga. I'll see you next week."

Ryujin and I got up and left my therapist's office.

"How are you feeling?" My girlfriend asked.

"I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"

"...yeah, I'm just...grieving still."

"It's understandable. Maybe we should try addressing this topic in a future appointment?"

"...maybe."

To be honest, I wasn't ready. I hadn't fully accepted the fact that Lia was dead, that I couldn't stop her from doing what she did. It was taking an emotional toll on me. When I finally thought I was starting to be happy, something like this just had to come up and ruin it. What a way to start summer break. Get kidnapped by your best friend then witness her commit suicide, simultaneously not being able to stop her.

——————————————————————

I gushed out my emotions through the music of my violin. Paganini's 5th Caprice was surely the perfect piece to express my angered, frustrated, grieving, depressed state. I hammered through the piece, sloppily playing through the runs and attacking the strings with my heavy bow strokes.

My rage was brewing inside. I wanted to scream, shout, cry, break anything in sight.

Before I knew it, I was already crying. I stopped and put my instrument down.

I then picked up the sheet music on my music stand and threw it on the ground, letting out the shriek I was holding in.

The papers went flying everywhere as my girlfriend rushed into the room.

"Are you okay?! What happened??"

"I- nothing..."

"Hey, you can tell me. What's wrong? I didn't want to interrupt your playing. It sounded amazing, like Paganini was the one playing it himself."

"R-really? But it was so sloppy."

"Doesn't matter, that can be fixed. Why did you scream just then?"

"I uh...I was upset because I sounded bad...?"

"You're kidding, right? Your interpretation is what sets you apart from others. What most people can't do is play it the way you just did. It sounded phenomenal. The emotions in your playing perfectly represented what Paganini wanted to convey: rage, frustration, difficulty, intensity, pain. It was almost perfect, almost. Just try playing cleaner but keep the same intensity in your playing. That was incredible."

I smiled, feeling better and more confident after hearing my girlfriend's words. Guess Lia's death helped me portray the emotions Paganini had intended...

I picked up my violin again and began playing Bach's Chaconne. He'd written this piece in memory of his wife, after he had returned from a trip and discovered that she had died.

I played through the piece with the grief I had for my best friend. The heart wrenching grief that so few people could fathom.

I finally understood the way Paganini and Bach's pieces were meant to be played...all thanks to Lia's death.

I looked over to see a tear escape from my girlfriend's eye.

"That...was beautiful," she quietly spoke.

"...thanks," I replied, not knowing how to feel.

"Just thanks? Haha...That's good enough to get you into any music school."

"Hm...we'll see about that."

(A/N: okay y'all. I'm probably going to publish 1 or 2 more chapters and then this story will be complete 🥲)