Tainted Love || L. Heeseung

O6

i texted heeseung earlier that he should go to class first and i'll just be late. after the crying session in the faculty room, jihoon made me come with him in my sister's grave.

at first i refused to go but he convinced me, anyway. jihoon bought flowers and candles on our way to soyeon's grave.

every steps that i'm taking feels so heavy, in every step i can feel my heart beating so fast, in every step i can feel my tears slowly forming in my eyes.

i'm only 10 steps away but i stopped walking and jihoon noticed that, "i'll head first, take your time"

he walked ahead of me, he placed the flowers and lit the candles. he started talking to soyeon easily, i even heard my name being said by him. why is it so easy for him to go here when it's so hard for me? is it because of guilt?

jihoon took 30 minutes in talking and even if that is already a bit long, i feel like i still don't want to continue taking a step forward but jihoon said I need to.

i need to talk to her, i need to tell her how i feel, i need to tell her how i'm doing, i need to tell her the story of what happened and what's happening to me and most importantly i need to say a proper goodbye. after the funeral, i didn't go and visit her here because my heart and brain just couldn't seem to processed what happened to her.

the man in front of me turned to look at me, motioning me to step forward as he took a step side ward leaving me alone with my sister, well not literally leave since he was just behind.

letting out a heavy and deep breath, i slowly made my way to my sister's grave. i sat down on the grass and gradually let my fingertips touched her tombstone.

im soyeon

october 5, 1997 - november 22, 2017

a single tear slipped my left eye down to my cheek but it became uncontrollable making me a crying mess in front of my sister's grave.

i cried and cried until it turned to a sobbed, "e-eonnie, i'm sorry. it's my f-fault that you're here, you should've been living happily and m-might have been even married with jihoon oppa. you have a lot of dreams for me and for yourself but i took away the chance for you to live and make your dreams come true. eonnie, i'm so s-sorry. if only i was a g-good sister back then i'm sure you're still here with me"

i didn't bother wiping the tears away from my face and just let it flow like a river. "after your funeral, i got depressed but jungwon was there to save me, he didn't leave me alone. his mom decided to enroll me in college though i don't want to and i was glad because i met friends. true friends. i am happy but every time i think of you and what happened to you, i feel sick of myself. jihoon oppa told me you wouldn't be happy knowing that i'm blaming myself all this time but how can i not right? if i didn't say those hurtful words to you, you might've not gone out of the house."

"if i should not blame myself then should i blame the person who was recklessly driving and bumped to you?" i laughed bitterly at the thought of that someone who was driving hastily that night, in the middle of a slippery road.

i felt quite relieved now that i was able to talk this out to my sister. like there's an invisible weight that has been lifted off my shoulder after the talk though she wasn't answering, well I'm glad she wasn't 'cause if she did i'll immediately run out of this place.