Do I wanna know? (Spencer Reid x Reader)

Chapter twelve: Love is a losing game

Word count: 10,7K

Summary: Spencer is worried his headaches are getting worst. Neither he nor reader seem to have a bit of emotional intelligence. A case takes the BAU to Miami, and distance continues to grow between Reid and reader. 

Warnings: Hardcore fools in love. Angst, hurt, jealousy, lack of communication and common sense (main characters), cursing, and frustration. Alcohol consumption. Spoilers of Criminal Minds season 06E12, "Corazón".

A/N: I'll be honest: people writing and fictional characters in this story are losing their cool with our fools in love 😭 . I hope you enjoy this chapter, and please, don't hate me. I promise it's all going to be worth it!! (eventually, just not today) 

(Y/N)'s point of view

I hadn't been so ashamed of my behavior since I was in college. So that whole weekend, I stayed inside my house, in my pajamas, basically in denial, praying for a miracle, so we wouldn't be called in for a case. I didn't feel ready to face the outside world after what had happened that Friday night.

After seeing Spencer walking into that bar with Ashley literally hanging from his arm, I kind of lost it. It might have been the three vodkas I had already drank, or all the years I had fought the feelings I had for Spencer. But I didn't handle my jealousy well. And I wasn't even ready to face the fact I was jealous. I knew I was, but I couldn't acknowledge it.

So I had another drink and asked Anderson to introduce me to his friend James, who wasn't really bad-looking at all. But he wasn't Spencer. I let him kiss me, though, and that made me feel like a whore. We just kissed, but... I hadn't kissed anyone in years, ever since I broke up with Paul. And you know what? I felt like the shit, 'cos it was like I was cheating on Spencer with James.

But that couldn't be. I wasn't cheating on Spencer 'cos he didn't love me. He didn't have me. I didn't have him. So I let James kiss me as we danced for a while. But it didn't work. I couldn't erase the image of Spencer and Seaver walking together, like a couple. In a few weeks, she already had what I always longed for. Him. I wanted him. I wanted Spencer.

I wandered around my house that whole weekend, finding Spencer in every corner. His books, his glasses. His favorite mug. His sweaters I ended up wearing, just to feel him close. I didn't call him, and he didn't try to reach me either. Maybe he was with Ashley. Perhaps they had hooked up that night and had spent the whole weekend together. There were too many possibilities running through my mind, making me feel worse.

Spencer and I had been best friends for over four years. Almost five. And I had been in love with him that whole time. I could clearly see it now. How Spencer had taken my entire heart and life, and I never actually saw it happen. And if I ever suspected it, I just let it slide. 'Cos I love him. Everything about him.

I knew I didn't want to love him, only because I was afraid to lose him. Scared that my feelings were going to ruin everything we had. We were best friends.

I didn't know how to face him the following Monday when I walked into the bullpen. But Spencer wasn't there. I looked around and saw Morgan smirking from his desk.

- "Shut up!"- I groaned and closed my eyes, already embarrassed of whatever my friend was going to say.

- "I saw you"

- "I saw you too, and you don't hear me making fun of you!"- Derek stood up and walked over, holding his cup of coffee and chuckling.

- "That's because you are used to seeing me in action."