I needed to put my feelings somewhere

RANT

I'm so fucking lonely and i don't know what to do about that. Like i wanna be closee to people but i can't ask them because i'm too fucking scared for rejection which basically results in me third weeling 90% of the time and watching others have this fucking amazing relationship and me wishing i could have friends like that too which makes me feel even more lonely because i'll start isolating myself and that isolating makes it even harder for me to connect to people and gosh darnit it's a whole ass cycle  i can't fucking handle this. Like i don't fucking care what people think of me i really don't but for some people it's just different or something and i'll do ANYTHING to just make them not hate me .. how do people even open up to each other like that i've literally got so much emotional bagage it'll take me hours to explain just what exactly is wrong with me just so someone can understand why i act the way i do

like how do you explain to someone you've got both adhd and autism but not really because the sympthoms are there but they're not strong enough to get an official diagnoses and that you've had a burnout + depression at age 13/14 which has resulted in you losing connection with all your former friends  and that your home situation is really fucked up so you'd rather not have friends over but that doesn't mean that your family is abusive or something not to mention the bipolar shit,  or the desire to not be in a crowd but also not be lonely because those are different things, or the fucking eating disorder because binge eating apparently is an eating disorder even though you are in fact overweight which results in you not eating before dinner and getting cravings afterwards which makes you hate yourself even more

also it's not that others don't try and talk to me or something because the people at my school are really nice no joke and they'll try to connect with me from time to time but after some time i have to connect back you know because a friendship has to come from both sides but i'm always too scared to make that step so people just kinda give up you know

i'll just stay lonely forever i guess ..

thanks for coming to my ted talk i'll just- yeah i'll just show myself out now (also: i totally didn't cry for an hour before writing this don't worry)