I needed to put my feelings somewhere

My average day?

People don't like me
And I'm ok with it because I'm pretending
They don't dislike ME
They dislike the layers that serve for protection, so I can pretend they would like the true me
Sometimes people actually like that me which causes anxiousness
Because I'm not the person they think I am
Then I'm afraid of making mistakes.
Of accidentally being myself
Because when I'm myself, the anxiety takes the upper hand
They won't ever like ME, I'm just a pathetic fat blob that doesn't dare to speak in front of a crowd
Unless..
She's pretending

I'm the girl who's actually really sensitive and stands in front of the mirror talking to herself trying to convince her mind that she's not that bad.

It's just 13 pounds above average. Not that bad.

But I'm also the girl that loses the battle every time and stands there until 3am eventually crying and scolding at herself.

JUST 13 pounds!? That's 13 pounds too much get that!? That means I only lost 2 pounds last week. This week I better lose the double amount otherwise it's gonna be nightly runs!

Then, out of pure exhaustion, she drags her body away from her repulsive reflection and into bed.

Just...wanna.........SLEEP

She throws the covers on the ground because they make her feel safe. She doesn't deserve that. She's fat, when she sleeps without covers her body uses more energy to keep itself warm than with them.

Blankets? Am I crazy!? Normal people aren't afraid of something as stupid as the dark, only kids are and they're allowed to. Which is obvious because they're kids.

Okay, I'll bargain. I will sleep only in my underwear. And in exchange for that I'll be allowed to flick on a light. Even though it provides warmth. And that will decrease the burning.

That's the only thing that can justify sleeping.

Starting tomorrow. Only half of the usual sleep and a long nightly run in the park across the street. Nobody uses it at night anyways so nobody would see my hidious body.

And she sleeps, until her alarm rings at 7am, she doesn't want to get up because she's cramped and stiff, the coldness has taken over her body and every movement hurts.

That's the feeling of becoming normal. It's good, makes me realise how much I still need to do before I even qualify as a little bit close to normal.

So she lies there. Until she has only half an hour left before school starts, she looks at the clock again and groans when she drags her body out of bed.

I'm really a stupid piece of crap! There's only half an hour left. I better get this fat ass out of bed! If I'm not on time at school it's no sleep tomorrow and only running!

Slowly she slides into her clothes for the day, brushes her teeth, cleans her glasses, rinses her face with cold water, runs a comb trough her hair and when she gets downstairs she only has 15 minutes left to get to school.

Well? What am I waiting for!? I'm ugly anyways so why even bother with the make-up? I'll just skip that. Good that I have a bike so I might be able to get there on time, even though running burns more calories.