With you against the world, forever (Newt story)

Arrival at the right arm

It's been 2 hours since me and Newt have been driving to the right arm. If my map is right, and I read it right, then we must be there in around 1 hour. The others will need about 2 hours when they arrive at this place till the right arm. A motorcycle is after all still a lot faster. We made stop around 10 times now so I can look at the map and now I'm slowing down to make a break.

"Come on, let's make a break." I say as I get up.

"What? Why?" Newt asks confused and takes off his helmet just like me a few seconds ago.

"We need to wait for the others anyway and we can do a little break. Just 10 minutes then we will wait before the 'entrance' of the right arm." I explain and sit down. I take out the water bottle, take a sip and give it to Newt.

„You wait here, need to go pee" I say and walk off.

Five minutes later I walk back to Newt.

„We made it. We're gonna make it." he mumbles

„You're gonna. I don't think that I can make it after all" I whisper more to myself than to him.

"Hey don't say that. They're gonna help you."

"How? How are they supposed to help me? I'm infected Newt, there's no helping me. There's no cure." He looks at me with such pity that I would have cut it off of everyone's face if it wouldn't have been him. "Listen, I don't need no pity. The only thing that is important for me is to get you and the rest of the group safe, then I'll leave again, waiting for my end in the scorch. And even tho it sounds harsh, I don't mind. I never did. The right arm won't help me, even if there might be a chance, and I repeat if there might be one, they sure as hell won't risk to get infected. Because as soon as my next attack starts, I'll be a risk. I'm a bomb that threatens to explode any second, Newt. Nothing more and I found my peace with that. And you should too."

"And I will,", I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "right after they told us that they can't do anything for you.", I sigh loudly at his behavior. I lost hope long ago. The hope of something that can save me. Way before I got infected. I needed to be saved since my mother died. Needed to be saved as soon as I was born. I needed to be saved since forever, and I needed to be saved from myself. Nothing else but myself. This stupid bipolar disorder ruined my life, my mind, my faith, my trust and even my will to live. I believed in a god as kid, but at some point I lost my faith in god, I mean if there really would be one, why would they do this to me? No, this isn't true. I never lost all of my faith, I only lost my faith of god as the great saver. I don't really know if there is one, if I should believe it or not. But I never stopped praying to them to end my torture. Other than most of the kids that grew up with me in the crank place, I didn't pray to him every morning, evening, Sunday or whenever. I prayed to him when I needed him the most, started to lose hope. Because somehow the thought of god managed to keep me hopeful. I mean, how can you not have hope after all these stories you get told of the great savior, our father, the man who decided our fate as soon as we saw the light? After a few years I figured out that this was bullshit. If you believe in it, I can't blame you, I understand it and sure as hell I'm not gonna tell you what to believe and what not to. Everyone's free to believe in whatever they want, and no one should be hated because of it. But for me it became bullshit. How can you know that god is a man? Why should it be a man? Why not a woman? How is one person responsible for the fate of every person on earth? How can one person save everyone? But why shouldn't one person can do it, even tho I can't? That's the thing that always raises my faith again. But hope is gone. The last bit of it faded as Newt confirmed the dead of George, a boy that became my brother. But can I blame him for not losing hope?

And so we sit in silence, for at least 40 more minutes. I don't know what's going through Newts mind, but it's too much that's going through mine. Neither of us says a word, or noticed how fast the time flew by, but we sat there, way longer than we planned.