Fathers secret..?

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️

Hello everyone, I just wanted to post this chapter because most of you do not follow me.  Therefore meaning you all don't get notifications from my announcements, also saying as this is my most viewed story I thought this would be the best one to post this on. 

I'm just going to say it right now
⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

Please do not continue if you are anyway offended or triggered by mentions of self harm or rape!  I do not want to affect any of you!!  Please beware if you do continue reading, you in no way at all have to read this.

Continue at your own risk..

Sorry, I just really needed to add a warning to feel okay about posting this.  Now that that's out of the way, let's start with why I haven't been publishing.

Regret. 
You see, my grandfather recently died and me and him had always had this relationship where he would tease.  He wouldn't stop until I was crying, he did this with ABSOLUTELY NO ATTEMPT TO MAKE ME ACTUALLY UPSET.  It was more like teasing about getting a boyfriend, yk stuff like that.  In return I became a boss ass bitch with great ass comebacks 😀🖐.  Sorry me making jokes about my sadness is the only thing helping me cope.  But anyways since we tease each other and stuff we normally refuse to hug each other.  The reason why I'm feeling regret is because I didn't hug him the last time I saw him.

I've also disconnected from all of my friends.  Just kinda leaving them in the dark, I feel bad but it's the only thing that I can really do right now.

There's this one girl I had a friendship with, we were constantly on and off *friendship wise*. It was honestly super toxic.  Like she's even said she wants me dead.  So I'm definitely not going back to her ever.  She also would constantly act like her life was awful.

Honestly let me just speak about my past because she had been upset about her parents fighting.  Which I get but she always made me feel bad whenever I would talk about my past.

Anyways sorry for getting off track.  When I was 1-6 I had been abused, by my father.  He really wasn't mentally stable, I was always a smart kid.  I also have a really good memory.  Though I don't remember telling my half mom when he raped me at the age of 5,  I obviously knew she loved him and she didn't want to leave him so easily.  Which I totally understood and understand to this day, I mean she was literally married to him.  She expected to live the rest of her life with him.  They then ended up getting a divorce when I was 6 almost 7.  When they got the divorce, him and the dog went to go to the forest where he normally went hunting.  His parents knew they'd hear from him soon, also knowing he needed time to distress.  Days turning into weeks, then weeks turning into two months.  They then obviously knew something was up, so they called the police and filed a missing person report.  But they never found him, his body or the dog.  I've been raped many times, but I haven't spoken up about it since I don't want to ruin anything again.  It's fine though saying it doesn't happen anymore, or at least it hasn't for a few months.  The main person that raped me, well she's still around me.  During family events, she's my older cousin.  Please don't call me a slut or whore in the comments by the way, this was really hard to speak up about..

I had cut for many years, I'm finally 6 months free, but I keep having the urge to, or the urge to pour boiling hot water on my hand whenever I'm around it.  Even goes as far as thinking about overdosing on the medication I got from my nurses.

You see I have this 9.30 cm cut on my back going down my spine(I live in Canada), so I've had surgery's for it.  Constantly had appointments every single day from March all the way until June when they put me on a different medical schedule.  God it is so awful, remembering to take my medication is a pain in my ass. 

I also have really bad ptsd, anger issues, depression and anxiety.  Let's not even get on to the fact I'm an insomniac. 

It's just been really fucking hard recently.  I decided to speak up about it saying you all are basically my only family, even though I've basically never talked to any of you.  You guys are the only reason I keep trying..  so thank you.  Thank you so much. 

I'm really sorry I know you all probably want updates for any book, whatever one it may be.  I just want to apologize and say I am so sorry I cannot provide that for you right now.  Just not this second.  I promise I will though.

If you are ever going through anything like this, then please REACH OUT TO ME.  I want to do things for you that people would never think of doing for me, you all really deserve that.  So please if you are going through a tough time, text me.

I'm begging you.

~Goodnight sincerely me. ♡︎