Black rose

Chapter 4

I look at the teens in the class and realize that I am actually a few years older than them. I am 22 years young. I take a deep breathe and start telling my story, I healed and I forgave myself and my perpetrators.

"My family was the only human family in the pack, you may have noticed that I used the word "was" instead of the word is. My father passed away when I was 14 and surprisingly I took it well, but my mom didn't. I had to take care of her most of the time, but I am not complaining. Since my father was beta, our family is pretty rich, but after his death someone had to take his place. John, my stepdad took that position in less than 2 months and that wasn't the only position he took, he took my father's position in our house. My mom got better emotionally  when he moved in with us, she said that she's in love with him,she would work late sometimes because of her position as Mrs. Beta . So I was stuck with John most of the time and I wore long dresses and skirts to hide my curves because I was bullied at school.  One day I decided to go to a party and I wore jeans and I looked really good in them, my mom was working late again but I told her beforehand that I am going to this party and she gave me permission to go. I walked down the stairs looking sexy and stuff and John was seated by the table and told me to go change, I refused because I felt sexy. One thing led to me walking to my room angry and shutting the door, I sat on my bed and stared at the wall. After a few minutes, he came in my room and decided that my clothes would look better on the floor. We fought for a while, but he won and took off my jeans and panties and he held both my hands above my head with one of his hands. He sat on my thighs so I couldn't move my legs and he took out his penis and held it in his hand. It was my first time seeing a penis and it was huge, it scared me to think that it would pierce my skin and force its way through. Before he placed it in I told him that he should probably cover up and he said he will pull out. Long story cut short, he raped me and since I was a virgin, it hurt like hell, but I didn't cry. I screamed for help, but I didn't cry, I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. When he was done, he pulled out and decided that my breasts were a perfect place for his sperms. I couldn't move due to the pain I felt in my vagina and he got up and went to my bathroom and moments later he came with a cloth and cleaned me up. He was so gentle and he picked me up, placed me on my bed, covered me up and walked out like nothing happened. I cried myself to sleep, thinking of one thing, I am no longer a virgin, the only I had that was mine is actually gone and there is no bringing it back. I told my mom as soon as she came home which was 2 hours after the incident and of course she didn't believe me. She said my father's death actually affected me and she forbid me to tell anyone my"lies". I never told anyone ever again and he would rape me several times and clean me up after he was done. I couldn't eat, I lost weight and I couldn't sleep, so one day I passed out at gym practice. When I woke up the nurse asked me if I was raped and I said yes and she called my mom. My mom told here that I had sex recently and that I should be fine. I tried to kill my self twice and failed, because John saved my life twice. I was 17 when I tried to kill my self, I couldn't find a reason for me to live anymore, I was finally going to be with my father and report my mother. I remember as I was lying on the bathroom floor with the blood flowing out of my body, I thought of how I wasted blood. I could have given it to the donation center. I was forced to eat and drink water after getting out of the hospital, people tried to ask me what is wrong, but I would shut them out. One thing led to another, John was caught and my mother's eyes were full of guilt that day because she hurt me more than anything. My mother didn't believe me when I told her that I was raped, she grounded me, punished me for "spreading lies"    
Years passed, but I never really connected with my mother again. I wanted a fresh start and I still can't have a long conversation with my mother. I forgave her but I can't open up to her again. People tried to apologize, especially my friends and I forgave them but I never really had a friendship with them. Just because you forgave someone, it doesn't mean that you have to be friends with them. I spoke and to them and laughed with them, but we no longer had a friendship. I wore jeans most of the time and I would love me in them.

So I started  telling myself  and believing that I am beautiful and gorgeous and I told all my bullies exactly that when they would call me names. I stood up to all my bullies and they are actually my only friends now. People thought I wanted attention because of my mothers position when I would shut them out. They said I was a brat but I never said anything because they would never believe me. I may laugh and be a bubbly person but I actually have had a very traumatizing life. I learned a lot and I have grown a lot and you can too.

Know that when you bully someone, they probably cry themselves  to sleep believing what you took as a "joke".
So yeah, that is my story."

I look at Jade and quickly say my goodbyes to everyone but I notice that my story touched a few hearts because I see a few eyes sparkling with tears.

...
I called Sarah and asked her to order a lot of steak, I wanted to hold a big dinner for the 2nd class and poor class. She picked me up and we went to the pack house and prepared other things.  We were busy for about 5 hours straight and when we were done it was already 7pm. We dressed and got ready and got out of the house by 8pm.  We met with the elders and decide that they should take the ropes.