James Potter Imagines

If we are not this, then what are we? - pt. 5

James was laying down on his bed with an icepack on his face. He didn't say a word since he had laid down.

He was tired.

He had a headache.

He and Sirius had just been beaten up by Hufflepuffs. It was a big ego bruiser.

Sirius was already asleep, since he already took a few painkillers too much and maybe his snores were exactly the cause to keep James awake.

' "And the only slag I see is the abused, little puppy I see." ' - The memory echoed in his mind. Why would he say that to you? He shut his eyes but the scene continued to resolve in front of him. Whether he opened them and stare at the ceiling or shut them close so hard that the headache only got worse, he could still see you hurt. It was if he could physically see the scars he caused you.

It wasn't just the fact he said it but he feels it- he feels so much tightness inside his body when he thinks of last night; because he cannot remember anything and it feels like that today, the happily you walked to him, smiled, started a normal conversation before he turned it into chaos, the more he thinks something happened between the two of you at that party.

Did something happen?

He didn't say anything stupid, did he? Or said something as if he loved you... because he didn't.

James opened his eyes wide and hugged the small red pillow in his arms. He burried his face into it and shut his eyes.

' I don't love her.' he told himself before his stomach started spinning inside of him. 'I am not in love with her! We bicker all the time! She hates me. I hate her. And what happened today? She went all mellowdramatic on me. Just because I told her that her boyfriend is nothing but a man whore- which he is. I do not know what she sees on him. She doesn't know the guy as I do- and she couldn't stop shouting, knowing I have a headache and that I really wasn't in the mood.' he turned on the other side and opened his eyes. 'She knows when to poke me and she thought she would win an argument yesterday just because I was hungover.' he turned back on the other side and felt a smirk appear on his lips. ' Well, joke's on her because...'

He thought back on the whole morning and just felt his eyes tear up. He could feel the tightness in his chest as he continued to hear the awful words he spat at you. He knew if the tightness grew... he wouldn't be able to hold it in anymore. He brought the pillow up to his nose and took a deep breath in. As soon as he did, he could remember you, your childhood, your laugh and your tears. Every year replayed in his head like a movie and he? He cried.

He couldn't keep it inside himself anymore.

He tried to ignore it.

"I don't love her." he kept saying, sobbing into the the pillow before crouching over and continuing to wipe his nose into it.

'Even if you wouldn't love her, you still shouldn't have acted the way you did.' - someone in his head whispered and he could feel the pressure in his shadow expand to his full head.

He couldn't hold it in. He kept trying to push it down but the more that he tried, the more it came up.

"Why do I have to fuck up everything!" he bawled, not even caring if he woke up the poor, drooling Sirius next to him. "Why do I fuck up everything that I love?"

All he felt at this moment was a wish to be alone. No Sirius, not anybody... he just wished to be alone.

---

You walked into Astronomy class and saw him sitting behind your desk, alone. You felt your feet melt into the ground until you couldn't move.

There was something inside of you that just screamed something wasn't right.