Ice Cream

Chapter Fifteen

My entire train of thoughts were centered on those five words that repeatedly rang in my head. What exactly was happening? One minute we were making small talk about unimportant matters and the next, we were about to have a conversation that superseded all conversations since we met.

"Stage III Cancer of the heart, that's what the doctor said. I have been taking my medications regularly and tried to live a healthy lifestyle but recently, I seem to be getting worse!" he continued, his gaze fixed on the steering wheel perhaps afraid to look at me so I wouldn't detect the emotions running through him. I covered my mouth with both palms of my hands in shock of what he had just said.

The instant you finally resolve the missing piece of a puzzle, all mysteries are revealed! No wonder many times he had a sad look in his eyes, he'd laugh a little and zone out for some seconds. I remembered how he was always skeptical about what he ate, for example the time I served him some ice cream in celebration of my victory from deportation. His aversion to alcohol and need to drink lots of water. His quick apprehension to drinking champagne the other night he got us gifts. Picking a hot chocolate with low fat milk instead of coffee, ordering a vegetable filled Sharwama. The suits and casual jackets to conceal his emaciation. All the signs were clear as day, I just never paid so much attention to them.

I had no clue how to comfort him at this point. Saying sorry would not be effective in taking the sickness away.

"Most times I feel so empty. Some days I see my life moving at full speed, other days, my life is so slow and dull that it leaves an ache as to if I've merely existed rather than lived." I could feel him shattering but I knew next to nothing to stop him or make him feel better.

"When I lost my parents, my whole world stopped. I was literally thrown into heading my father's company and the attention and dedication needed to see to its success, pushed mourning to the back of my mind, only in quiet times, I remembered them. Therefore, I chose to work harder so there'd be no room for peace and quiet, no room for vulnerability and weakness! This ploy led me into becoming one of the wealthiest men in Canada and Central America."

"Then about five years later, I began to feel my strength drain, my body grew weaker and I came to the conclusion that it was because I was overworking and exerting myself. I ignored all the signs for so long until one fateful day, just like today, I spat out blood! I knew something terrible was wrong with me and so for the first time in a really long time, I visited the hospital for an all round checkup. It was there I was diagnosed of stage three cancer of the heart and the doctors commented that if it had been detected in time, the cancer wouldn't have aggravated."

"Furthermore, he told me I had about a year or more to live if I took the right medications at regular intervals. When I thought there was nothing worse than losing my parents, this was a more shocking news! You see, most times we always feel invisible, out of reach and too full of years to live, until death comes knocking on the door unexpectedly. For months, I became frustrated and depressed!"

"I saw myself deteriorating by the day, seeing more of a shadow of myself until I couldn't bear it anymore. I chose to take my own life!" by this time, I was crying as he explained. I had never known anyone who had experienced this much pain in my entire life. I always thought that what I had been through was the height of it all until this very moment.

"So one day, I devised a plan to successfully end my existence. It took me one week of detailed persistence and planning to formulate how I was gonnna exit this world without guilt. For me, seeing my parents again and being with them forever was my solace and also, I felt it more powerful to take my own life rather than allow cancer take it. On that fateful day, I wore my favourite suit and went to the train station, ready to throw myself on the railway so the next train in motion would do the work on me." I gasped in thought of how horrible that would have been. "Horrific, isn't it?" he questioned at my expression. I couldn't bring myself to reply or nod in agreement.