apocalypse

End

Songs: Futile Devices - Sufjan Stevens and Exit Music (For a Film) - Radiohead

At first, the day had been peaceful. The day they were to leave Japan for good.

Hajime opened his eyes, watching as a soft ray of sunlight fell across their hotel room.

There was a moment, as soon as Iwaizumi woke up, where he couldn't remember. A brief moment where everything seemed as it once was, the horrors of his reality presenting themselves as nightmares that had never truly been real. But like most things, that brief moment of ignorance slipped away with time, only to be replaced by the pain of memory and the heaviness of guilt.

He ran his hand over where Tooru should have been. The sheets were still warm. He heard the shower from his place on the bed and listened to Oikawa's soft humming mix with the falling water.

Hajime wondered if mornings in America would be like this, seemingly ordinary and content. Did he deserve that kind of peace? Even if he did, would he be able to enjoy it after everything?

"Sometimes I wonder if death would be better than living with all of this guilt," Kuroo had said that night so many weeks ago. Iwaizumi remembered the way Kenma had stroked Tetsuro's hair until he fell asleep just as he himself had done for Tooru so many times. He remembered the way Kuroo and Kenma used to drink coffee together in the kitchen before Kuroo went to work. Kenma didn't have to wake up that early, but he always did anyway. Their deaths were his fault. Kuroo's pleading face as he died. The muffled gunshot as they drove away. . .

He shook his head and rubbed the grogginess out of his eyes. If he thought about it too long, he wouldn't be able to claw himself out of that dangerous pit of hopelessness. Of fear.

As if he had sensed Hajime's panic, Oikawa stepped out of the bathroom, his hair dripping wet. "Good morning, Iwa," Tooru said as he walked out of the bathroom, interrupting Iwaizumi's spiraling thoughts.

Hajime forced a smile. "Hey," he responded, watching as Oikawa pulled on his jeans.

"What were you thinking about?" he asked, noticing Hajime's shaking hands.

"I'm sure you could guess," Iwaizumi said, grateful for Tooru's distraction.

Oikawa pulled on a t-shirt and laid down beside him on the bed again. "Can you at least try to forgive yourself? I hate seeing you like this."

Hajime's eyes darkened. It was like Tooru was asking the impossible. All hope had been lost. Was there really a future left for him? No matter how far or fast he ran, the guilt and the fear would always find him and drag him back down again and again until it killed him.

"I'm trying," he said simply.

Oikawa gave him a sad smile, his eyes brimming with tears. "We're broken pretty badly. Aren't we?"

Hajime wrapped his arms around Tooru and held him there for a moment, listening to his steady heartbeat. "I don't think I can ever move on. I dwell on the three of them all the time. I remember every detail like it was yesterday. It's so heavy on me, Tooru. I don't think I can bear it much longer."

Oikawa stroked Hajime's hair, running his fingers through in a soothing pattern. "If it's any comfort, I see their faces too. I bear the weight too. It'll get lighter. We just have to have the will."

"I know, but relief seems unreachable. You're all I have left. I live with the guilt of losing Bokuto, Kuroo, and Kenma, but I also live with the fear of losing you. That would shatter me completely," Hajime admitted, his face buried in Oikawa's neck.

Tooru pulled back, locking eyes with Iwaizumi. "Once we get on that plane, you won't ever have to fear a thing. Nakashi will be gone forever, along with the memories of this place. We can start over. Just us," he said, wiping Hajime's falling tears with his thumb.