Just Me Ranting

shattering

I had an entire world, an entire reality made up in my mind. It started as an escape from the real world, the painful one, the one you have no control over.  

It was the only door visible while my world was burning to ashes. Getting used to staying behind that door might've been a mistake, I should've asked for help, should've screamed.. begged someone to help me but I took the easy way out. Living in a twisted reality in my own mind while lashing out and stepping on people who tried to reach out, the ones who actually cared.

There sure were times when wen that mirage would break and I'd have to look around at all the destruction I've caused which only triggered anxiety attacks causing me to slip back into the world trying to stop the guilt from flooding through my system.

Soon enough I was only a sadistic shell of the person I used to be. Trapped in the trunk of a car I should've been driving. A part of me begging me to let go of the false idea of happiness I had been holding on to. 

But I wanted to hold on for that was the only happiness I had felt since the day my mother birthed me. It had been tears and guilt for all my years, but I was content for once... in the most destructive way possible.

Nothing ever lasts, that's one of the most disturbing and calming truth of life. No matter where you are at this point in your life, it will always pass. You could be having the best time of your life but your life can take a U-turn at any point. 

It wasn't until the day I let myself see the damage I've caused, let myself drown in the guilt, that the reality came shattering down. Fear coursing through my veins at that moment of vulnerability that I tried concentrating, tried to build the walls back up, tried to go back to the picture-perfect world I lived in but it didn't work. The guilt had overtaken my system. I felt like a mortal being dragged to hell by the devil itself. Although it was all imaginary, it still hurt, worse than having broken bones because you can always numb it, numb the pain until the wound itself is healed but it's never the same with metal wounds, the ones you can't see but only feel. The ones you'd have to relive in order to let go of the useless, painful baggage you have been carrying.

 I was scared to breathe. Scared to make the wrong move. Scared of the unknown.

I wish I could say I have the help I clearly need but no, not yet at least.

Bye i'm sorry 

(p.s future me if you're reading this I hope you're happy now. Your bro loves you, do it for him. Even if it breaks you. IDGAF cuz if you ever hurt him just know you're the only one he trusts with his life)