Gel- A post-apocalyptic Glee AU

Pilot

The scene opens with the McKinley High New Directions in an underground bunker. They have been in there for some months now.

Kurt: God, it feels like forever since the last time I was on the surface. I don't think I've gone this long without sunlight.

Santana: Your complexion says otherwise, vampire.

Brittany: Santana has a point. I always have been suspicious that Kurt is a vampire. But yeah, for the time being it would be wise for us to stay in the bunker. We have enough supplies to last for at least twenty years.

Mercedes: Twenty years? Oh, hell to the no. I hope to God this virus sorts itself out next year at the latest.

Rachel: Forget the whole virus thing, I'm still in shock that Brittany built an apocalypse bunker under the choir room and didn't tell any of us. I really didn't think you were capable of this sort of thing, Brittany.

Brittany: I'm going to take that as a compliment. And it was Lord Tubbington's idea, not mine. When I was worried about the Tubbington-Bopp, he suggested I build some kind of bunker, but that was a false alarm. Of course, when there was an actual apocalypse, I told the rest of you guys about the bunker.

Quinn: To be honest, I'm glad it has a shower. Imagine being stuck underground and not being able to shower. Speaking of showering, I don't think I've seen Blaine shower once since we came down here.

Everyone looks at Blaine.

Blaine: Guys, I can assure you I have a perfectly good reason for not showering.

Artie: There's no such thing as a perfectly good reason for not showering. We are literally quarantined down here. And you smell.

Everyone agrees.

Blaine: I don't want to wash the gel out of my hair. We have no idea how long we're going to be down here, and it'd be a crying shame if I ran out of hair gel.

Santana: Hair gel? Eyebrows, this is the apocalypse, and you're worried about running out of hair gel? I went through your bags earlier, and that's literally all you have. Screw twenty years; all of your hair gel could last a century.

Puck, laughing hysterically: Blaine is a gel hoarder? Honestly, why did I not see that coming?

Blaine: Guys, stop it. Hair gel isn't cheap. And since the end of the world is upon us, it's not like I can go out and buy more.

Kurt: Blaine has a point.

Santana, rolling her eyes: Of course you're siding with your stanky boyfriend, Kurt. How have you guys stayed together through all this?

Brittany: Maybe Kurt just doesn't have a nose.

Kurt: I think I would know if I didn't have a nose, Brittany.

Blaine: Hey, guys? I invited Sebastian over here, is that okay?

Puck: You WHATTED WHO?!?!

Blaine: Yeah. The Warblers survived too. They had their own bunker, under Dalton. I've been texting Sebastian, and-

Kurt: YOU'VE BEEN TEXTING SEBASTIAN? AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?

Blaine: Kurt, calm down. It's completely innocent.

Enter Sebastian.

Sebastian: Yeah, Kurt. Completely, totally innocent. You don't have to worry about me and your boyfriend. Your hot boyfriend, I might add.

Kurt: I am so uncomfortable with this on so many levels.

Santana: So, Sebastian. Will you be staying here long? I hope not, for your sake.

Sebastian: Oh, not long at all. I'm only here for Blaine's hair gel.

Blaine: You're here for WHAT?

Sebastian: You heard me. I saw Santana's Instagram story. I know you have quite the stash. And the Warblers are all out. This is the apocalypse, Blaine. It's survival of the fittest. Not to say that you're not fit, of course. You're very fit.

Kurt: Sebastian, for the love of God, shut up.

Sebastian: Why don't you make me shut up, Kurt?

Kurt, charging at Sebastian: WHY, I OUGHTA-

Puck stops him.

Puck: I got this, Kurt. He takes out his nunchucks. Sebastian Middle-Name Smythe, if you know what's good for you, you will leave Blaine's gel alone and go back to your fellow Warblers while you still can. And if you dare show your face in this bunker again, you will regret it. Are we clear, chipmunk?

Sebastian: Fine. But this isn't the last you'll see of me, Puckerman. I will get that gel if it is the last thing I do. Bye, Blaine. Everyone else. He exits.

Sam: God, Sebastian makes me want to puke my guts out.

Santana: I know. He's the worst.

Tina: He wouldn't have come here in the first place if you hadn't posted about Blaine's gel horde.

Santana: You're right, this is my fault. I should have made my Instagram private.

Blaine: No, Santana. It's on me. I should know better than to trust Sebastian, after all he put us through.

Rachel: Y'know, I think this whole Warblers-after-our-gel thing is only gonna make us stronger. We know what we have to do: protect Blaine's hair gel at all costs.

End of episode. Roll credits.