Problem Kid

Chapter 57

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I'm staring at the ceiling when Marie walks in. She stands at the door for a moment until I look over at her.

"Hi," I say quietly.

"Hey there, Everleigh. How are you doing? Jimmy told me you wanted to speak to someone," I look back down at my hands as Marie walks over and leans against the wall.

"Yeah. I don't even know I'm just so... Shocked. This is all so much and I just wish it had never happened and I could be at home," I look over at the nurse in despair. I'm so tired of all this.

"And now they think I have a personality disorder? I don't know what's going to happen if I do. I don't know what's going to happen at all! I don't know if my arms are going to work the same again, I don't know if I'm going to be sectioned and locked in a psych ward again, I don't know how long I'm going to be here for or how long it'll take to get better or if I'm even going to be able to go back home with my family. It's all just so fucking much... I just want a fucking cigarette right now and I can't even do that!" Once I'm done ranting, I take a few breaths to catch up on air.

"There's a lot going on, Everleigh. There's going to be a lot of stress and uncertainty over the next few weeks and I'm not going to deny that. I'm not sure where you'll be going after here or how long you'll be here exactly but as soon as we know things, I promise you'll be informed too. As for smoking, you're not going to be allowed out until you're much better but I'll go get you a nicotine patch written up when we're done talking. There is something I do need to talk to you about though, if that's okay?" She sits down in the chair beside me, staring down at her hands which are closed together.

"Thank you. And yeah, what is it?" I ask anxiously.

"Well, we need you to try eat something. It's really important just to make sure everything's alright internally. Can you do that for us?" I shake my head instantly, my eyes widening. No way can I do that.

"Ev, we need you to try. Please? You know what the other option is and none of us want to go down that route..." I cut her off.

"No. No tube. Not happening," Marie sighs as I protest.

"Look, if you're not going to eat then it's what we have to do, Everleigh. Will you eat?" I shake my head. I don't want the tube but I can't eat. I can't. I know I can't.

"Everleigh, then we're going to need to tube you and you know that there is either an easy or hard way we can do that. Easy way, you comply and help us all out by allowing us to help you or the hard way, we will have to hold you down and force you to take feeds," I'm shaking my head violently as Marie talks. I can't do this. I'm crying and choking on sobs and my face is damp as pure fear fills me up. I've done so well, I've made amazing progress. I've gotten to my lowest weight and I need to keep it that way. No matter what they do, I won't let them ruin that. I refuse to let them ruin it.

"Can you at least tell me why you can't comply, Ev?" The nurse looks worried.

"I just... I'm at my lowest. I'm finally good enough. Well, nearly. All I need to do is lose 5 more pounds and I'll be perfect! You can't take that away from me, you can't!" I sob out my words. Marie leans closer, resting her hand on my arm before speaking.

"You know that once you lose that 5 pounds, you'll just want to lose more. Everleigh, anorexia isn't going to let you feel 'perfect' no matter what weight you get to. Anorexia doesn't stop until you're dead. That's why we need you to fight back and gain. Because if you don't, you know what will happen and none of us want to see you gone. None of us want that for you," I cry harder. At this point, I don't know. I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. Especially not like this. I don't want to be sick anymore.