Ghosts Of The Past | Natasha Romanoff

Chapter 19: Little White Lies

They stepped through the quiet landscape, Katya a bit faster and a couple steps in front, because she knew to which topic Natasha was going to go, and she thought that by putting distance between them, she could literally walk out of that conversation. But alas.

Right when they pushed through a row of tall trees, ending up on a sandy and dirty road with a roof of leaves above them, Natasha decided it was enough.

''Katya-''

''I don't want to talk about it, Natalia, okay?'' She snapped, a wave of guilt washing over her immediately after. The last thing she wanted was to snap at the one person she prayed would be able to look at her still.

Katya stopped, took a deep breath, and turned around, staring at the ground. ''I need time to process this. To figure out what it means,'' she continued softer. She refused to cry, and her head was at war between burying her face in Natasha's shoulder and feeling unworthy of her touch. Because one of her family members had been responsible for all those years of torture her own wife endured.

Natasha shook her head, a faint crease between her eyebrows as she watched the pained woman a few feet away from her. It wasn't hard to figure out what she thought about, and knowing Katya hated herself right now hurt her as well, insanely. ''It doesn't mean anything.'' 

''Yes. It does,'' Katya answered sternly, frowning. ''The man was my uncle.''

''No. It doesn't.'' Natasha took a few steps closer, trying to attract Katya's eyes, which didn't work, they stayed on the ground strictly. ''We don't choose the family we're born into, Katya. You're still the same person to me.'' She was a perfect example of calmness, as opposed to the storm raging in Katya's head.

Katya hesitated, her eyes stinging because of the kind words. ''Can you even look at me the same way?''

Even though Natasha didn't want to, her view of Katya must have changed because of this, right? 

It sounded so insecure that she might as well have stuck a knife in Natasha's chest and twisted it around. Did she honestly think that she would leave her for something so irrelevant as a last name? Of who her bloodfamily was? 

The answer to those questions was yes, yes she did think that. Because this was Dreykov, the man who destroyed their lives.

Gently, Natasha took one of her hands in her own, Katya's gaze shooting to them in surprise. ''Nothing will ever change the way I look at you.'' It hurt her that Katya was unable to look her in the eye, like she didn't deserve that anymore.

''I feel disgusting. Absolutely disgusting,'' she muttered frustratedly, pulling her hand from Natasha's. Another stab into her chest.

''Stop. Please. Look at me.'' She took Katya's face into her hands, forcing her to look at her. The brunette melted, staring at the entrancing green eyes in front of her through her tears. ''I know you, through and through. I know the woman I married, and she's the same one as the one standing in front of me right now. I know what you hate, what you like, how your brain works, how big your heart is. A last name, a family tree, that doesn't change the person you are inside.''

The tender words, combined with loving eyes, finally had the tears trickling down Katya's cheeks. ''But I feel different, Natalia. I feel guilty. Guilty for what he did.'' Her voice trembled.

''Fuck that,'' Natasha replied strictly, causing Katya to blink in surprise. ''You have nothing to feel guilty about. Because you didn't know. Because you had nothing to do with it. You are as much a victim of his as I am.''

Slowly, Katya lifted her hands and wrapped them around Natasha's wrists, but without taking her hands off her face. They felt nice there, grounding her. Natasha didn't care they got wet with salty tears. ''I don't know if I can accept this. Or how to. Yelena... she will never look at me again,'' she was lost on what to do.