Loki and Y/n Stark

Chapter 11

TW MENTIONS OF SH ED THOUGHTS, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS  SELF HATRED

Tendu, Grand Battement, Adagio, Pirouette, Pirouette 2,  Small jumps, Petit Allegro, Petit Allegro with beats, Grand Allegro repeat. I had been repeating these same steps for days on end. It was part of the program. I was a fast learner so I got the hang of it quickly. 

"Всем вдовам в оружейную!" (All Widows to the weapons room!)  Someone said on the intercom. We immediately stopped dancing and got in a straight line. We were lined alphabetically. We hastily made our way to the weapons room and we each picked up a pistol.

  "Вниз, вверх, по очереди стреляй" (Down, up, turn shoot). We all got into our designated spaces and started the routine. We weren't wearing noise cancelling headphones so my ears were ringing like crazy. But none the less, I did the routine over and over and over again. 

"Район 97 готов на сутки. 86-й район должен перейти в балетный зал." (District 97 is done for the day. District 86 is to go to the ballet room.) We placed our weapons on the table next to the spare bullets. 

We got back into our lines and headed to our room. Each district had to share a room among 25 other girls. 

I got to my bed and decided to get as much sleep as I could with the 5 hour break we had. I closed my eyes and immediately fell asleep.

  Loki's POV 

It had been a week since Y/n had gone missing. Tony was in his lab 24/7 thinking of ways he could track her and nobody had told Lady Wanda in fear of what would happen. Natasha had told her Y/n had gone on a trip to the Bahamas. Wanda never reads Lady Natasha's mind since Nat is very skilled at lying. 

As for myself I am losing it. I haven't slept or eaten in days and I had begun cutting again. The voices have only gotten louder so I decided to stop fighting them because they were telling the truth. It WAS my fault. I should've known that she was too good for me. 

The voices were bad news and I knew that. It wasn't normal. They were telling me different things now like maybe I could end everything. Maybe I could see Y/n in Valhalla and live a life there with her. If she would want after I basically murdered her. 

I hadn't brushed my hair, showered or even got out of bed for the last few days. I started dropping weight dangerously fast and at this rate I'd probably be dead in maybe a week and a half. 

But would that be so bad? I thought about that all day, everyday. It's what kept me up at night.

Thor had tried to get me to come out of my room multiple times but I had a spell on the door that even Lady Wanda couldn't get past. But each day I didn't eat or sleep, my magic got weaker and weaker. 

My spell would be gone by tomorrow if Wanda didn't try to get through it. If Thor asked her again it would break. If Thor seen me like this it would make him sad. So I simply wouldn't let him. 

"LOKKIII!" Thor shouted. Shit. This is it I guess. "Please open the door Loki, I haven't seen you in days!" He pleaded. I didn't answer. I just rolled over on my bed to face the wall. 

"Will I try again?" Wanda asked in her sokovian accent. "Yes." Thor responded. It took mere seconds and the door flew open Thor bounding in rushing towards me. 

"Yes brother" I said as strongly as I could. I was in a jumper that used to fit me but was now hanging loosely around my shoulders. "Jesus Loki!" He exclaimed looking me up and down.

 I used all the magic I had left to fix my hair. It was the most I could do. "Come into the kitchen now!" He ordered I still lay there not bothered to move. What's the worst he could do kill me? 

That wouldn't even be that bad. 

He scooped me up and I couldn't care less. I didn't care about anything anymore. None of it mattered. I was a murderer. I killed the only one I loved. Just for a jacket. A motherfucking jacket! Thor placed me on a chair and stood over me. 

"Loki, look at me" Thor breathed out. I turned to him my face gaunt from lack of food. Thor looked exasperated, having to deal with the loss of Y/n and now his broken sibling. 

"Please, please, tell me it didn't happen again!" He choked out on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry." I whispered. It had gotten bad. Really bad. "Ok, ok, how bad?" He asked talking deep breaths. 

I responded by slowly removing my jumper. I hung my head as I felt his eyes trail over my scar covered arms. I looked hideous. "I'm sorry" I whispered again. 

He hugged me and sobbed into my shoulder. He composed himself a few minutes later and looked at my thin frame. "Wait here" Thor told e and left the kitchen. 

I put my jumperthatb I had been wearing for the last few days on and sat there zoned out. Until Thor came back with Steve, and Tony who was in a similar situation to me. 

He was attached to a drip and his arc reactor was glowing brightly underneath his dressing gown. 

He had resorted to overworking himself rather than cutting. His hands were red and blistered and his arms had all sorts of greases and oils on them. "Jesus Christ what's going on in here?" Natasha asked walking into the kitchen. 

"These two need something to eat" Steve insisted pushing Tony into the chair beside me. He looked to the ground as he sat down. 

Nat placed toast in front of me moment's later "Eat" she said and walked off. I looked to the toast and my stomach churned. 

If you eat that your gonna gain the weight back. You'll be fat again. How would Y/n feel if you stuffed your faced right after she died hm? You are a fat fuck don't eat it. See how much longer you can go.  

My thoughts raced as I stared at the toast. Tony picked at his before Steve gave him a stern look and he ate it. 

Thor had left to use the bathroom and Tony and Steve were long gone. It was just me and the toast. 

Eat it. Don't. Come on Thor will be disappointed. Eat. Your skin and bones the least you could do is eat. Yeah you fatso, eat go on eat you won't be any happier so why bother?

I disposed of the toast and returned to my room and fell into a deep needed sleep.

Hey bestays!! Bit of a sad chapter but it's long. Loki's kinda falling apart Ngl. Soz I didn't update I was rlly busy with school and all so I won't be updating as much. Anyway til next time loves!

Word count: 1188