unconditional

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SAM

TWISTING MY HANDS together tightly, I pace the small hospital room, the unfamiliar sound of machines beeping and people running up and down the hallways echoing in my ears.

"Samuel," Maddie says, making me turn to see her sitting in the uncomfortable chair, and I take in her raised eyebrows.

"Please sit,"

"I don't want to, cause it makes me want to puke." I shrug, getting right back to walking across the room, zoning in on the way the hospital band scratches at my wrist.

She just nods, sucking her bottom lip into her lip mouth. "Okay, I understand."

"The nurse said the doctor would be a couple minutes, it's been over half an hour-" I try, turning to give my girlfriend a serious look, but I'm cut off by the heavy door being swung open.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Ellis, sorry for the delay," he says, a shorter and stockier man, with a thin spattering of salt and pepper hair.

"That's alright, Doc. I'm Madeline, the man who is trying to pace a hole into the floor is my partner Sam." Maddie says, standing from her chair and walking over to me, gently grabbing my arm.

"It's so great to finally meet you guys." He smiles widely, his cheeks rosy. "Sam, if you'd like to go take a seat on the bed I'd appreciate that."

I just nod, not letting Maddie go as I walk over to the short table, sitting myself on it and holding her right next to me.

When the doctor takes in our close proximity, he looks at Mads, then back at me.

"I'm sorry, I'll go sit," she says quickly, pulling my hand off of her, ignoring my little glare.

"So, Sam, looking at your chart I see you're in for a follow up appointment." He says, picking up a clipboard from the little table on the side of the room, scanning over the papers.

I nod, chewing my bottom lip.

I thought I was the one who was calm at hospitals, but now on the table, my papers being looked at, it seems I'm ten times more wound up than Maddie.

"So, you got some fertility testing done a couple weeks back, and your results came back saying you had a low sperm count, correct?" Doctor Ellis asks, flipping the page over to see the one underneath, before looking up at me.

Instead of responding, I ask, "I mean, would we really need assistance in getting pregnant? What does that even mean? I've always thought I could handle myself pretty well in that department-"

Maddie, ever red in the face, cuts me off and says, "The doctor we had at the fertility clinic, Dr. Nelson I believe it was, said he had a low count, yes."

Looking mildly amused, Ellis scribbles something down on his papers and nods. "Just verifying."

Then he sits down on his little chair by the desk, saying, "And that being the case, it's not impossible for you to impregnate someone, but it might take time and there's a very high chance it wouldn't even happen."

Puffing my lips out, this uncomfortable feeling of guilt pooling in pit of my stomach, my eyes flit over to Maddie.

I expected her to be sad, frustrated maybe, but when our eyes meet she sends me a reassuring smile. Shocking me even more, it looks like genuine, not like she forced it for my benefit.

"So, let's say we choose to get some assistance in getting pregnant, what would that look like?" She pipes up, leaning forward a little, making Ellis look at her.