Hope Is Where The Heart Is: My Battle Against End Stage Renal Disease

Chp 3: Lost In Translation

I stopped going to school to take a break to get my life together. I distanced myself from family, and friends thinking nobody understood what I was going through. As far as dating goes, I didn't want to get close emotionally. I didn't want to risk someone to get attached, and see me go through the worst. In November 2008, I met someone special named Sandra, and felt comfortable enough to open up to her about my health. We began to date and for once I felt normal. I was happy that she understood what I was going through. This is was sign for better times to have somebody who cared for me during my struggle.

In 2009, everything was going well. I was closer to graduating with a degree in graphic design, and was still working my full-time job. I would see the nephrologist every month to keep up with lab tests. He encouraged me to do the best I can with my diet to help postpone dialysis for as long as possible. I loved working on music which felt like therapy allowing me to express how I feel. Hip hop is the rawest form of music to release my pain. I used music to get away from my problems to help me relax to enjoy something that I was good at.

Suddenly, my life was beginning to unravel. My stress was involved the majority of the time as I lost control of everything. I had trouble maintaining my diet by eating a lot more fast food, and processed foods. School became a hassle just keeping up with homework, and staying focus in my classes. As I gained weight my blood pressure raised. I wasn't as motivated going to the gym as much as I used to. I felt like I wanted to give up. It was overwhelming to deal with everything falling apart.

In July, I received a call after my appointment from the on call doctor explaining to me about my lab results. He told me my potassium raised dangerously where I could have a stroke, or heart attack. The doctor suggested that I go to the emergency room to avoid risking it. I went to the emergency room, and hooked up to an IV to stabilize my potassium. This was the first time being admitted to the ER so I was scared of what to expect. I wouldn't be released until the morning.

My nephrologist arrived in the morning telling me my potassium levels were back to normal, and I would be released soon. I asked him if I will be starting dialysis soon he replied, "You still have a good amount of kidney function left and we will hold on until it's necessary to start with the surgery". Relieved, I kept a positive outlook on when I would get the call for a kidney. I asked my friends, "What if everything in your life was going as planned, and then out of nowhere find out you have a life threatening disease?" Acceptance is the key to overcome the challenges that follow with the disease which is hard to come by. I clearly say, "It's complicated," but there are others with far worst circumstances than me.

My mind became cloudy to a certain degree, and I wouldn't know up from down. I would want the same treatment like I never had the disease in the first place. I didn't want to feel disabled, or unable to live to my full potential in life. I had a feeling that soon I would hear from the doctor that the kidney has held long enough. I would think how much of an effect this will have on me once I go to surgery.

How I would adjust to a catheter hanging out of my belly as a part of me sounded crazy. I knew that there will be some limitations to what I can handle physically, and mentally, but sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. I would look at normal day-to-day things as a blessing which I never did in the past. Life is priceless so it's already an accomplishment to have made it this far. There are people that don't get the second, and third chances to try again.

I would question the man upstairs asking, "Why do those who do well sometimes get the worst situations, while those who do bad get the most chances?" I get the occasional, "I send my prayers to you," or "God has a plan for you." At the time, I didn't see it which made me frustrated on what everything meant. "How does this manage to happen to me?" would constantly enter my brain irritating me all over again.

In November, my nephrologist called me in to let me know that it would be time to go to surgery. I started to prepare for what would be a life changing moment.