Birds Of a Feather

20. Everyday it's a-gettin' faster

"... You gotta be kiddin' me!"
<Miss, do I sound like fuckin' Muppets?!>
"No, you sound like an utter moron! Not even Third World countries have to go through such pitiful circumstances!"
<Well, it's not my fault if you sissies can't look after your own house!>
"Well, then it's not my fault if you're a dickhead and you can't do your job! FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!"
Sara hung up and snorted: she was already pissed off and that idiot of the handyman, sent by the apartment block administrator, hadn't given her good news.
"Sara, who did you just psychologically destroy?" Layla asked, appearing on the door and smiling at her best friend.
"That handyman... he's a fuckin' idiot! And a failure too!" the other girl exclaimed "D'ya know the last news? Our loft is unfit for use because not only the water and sanitary system isn't working anymore... the electrical system is fucked up too! Not to mention the fact that the whole apartment looks like a fuckin' pigpen and a lot of weeks will have to pass before it becomes habitable once again! FUCKIN' THANKSGIVING DAY, I'M SURE THIS IS A DESERVED PUNISHMENT FOR ALL THE PERSECUTIONS AGAINST THE NATIVE AMERICANS"
"Shit, this is really bad... We have to warn the guys" her friend said in a worried way.
"Yeah, so Third World War can finally break out? Thanks but no thanks!"
"But, Sara-"
"Listen, I know you're an innocent soul and you don't want to cause any trouble, but... C'mon, El! Sometimes you oughta take care of yourself too! The guys agreed to give us hospitality: yeah, we don't know for how much time me and Mr. Montana will be able to not tear each other to pieces, but I guess I could use a little bit of self-control... After all, the enemies' hideout is still better than a bridge"
Layla laughed: "I love your unselfishness..."
Soon after the silence was broken by an animal shout which was coming from the living room.
"WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!"
"Hmm, I guess the grizzly bear has just woken up" Sara casually said, then laughed her ass off when Jeff appeared in the hallway with his legs totally wrapped up with adhesive tape.
"I KNOW YOU'RE THE BITCH BEHIND ALL THIS FUCKIN' MESS!"
"Yeah, why should I deny it? It was pretty entertaining, I must admit it"
"YOU FUCKIN'-"
"It's not my fault if you drank like a water pump and then you ended up in an alcohol-induced coma..."
It was hard to admit, but the girl was right: the evening before Jeff had drunk so much wine that soon he had collapsed on the couch.
Maybe it was all the delicious food that Layla had prepared or the party mood that had turned him into a human sponge...
No, it was just to forget all the times he had made an ass of himself, period.
Like when he had asked Layla if her surname was Canadian and she had pointed out that it was French, and the fuckin' bitch... oh, that bastard had dazzled them with a fake smile and added an evil "Oh, forgive him: Montana schools give priority to other teachings, like fishing with your own bare hands..."
That bitch.
Wasn't Stone enough for all those fuckin' Montana jokes?
"THAT'S NOT A FUCKIN' REASON TO BEHAVE LIKE A BITCH!" he growled with renewed energy, but Sara didn't seem to get riled up.
"Eye for an eye... Have a free and sweet wax, darling!" she chirped and went in the kitchen to finally have breakfast, where she met a sleepy Eddie.
"What was that inhuman shouting?" the guy asked her, rubbing his temples.
"Oh, that was just Ament becoming comfortable with the idea of a free session at the esthetician... Get used to them, Mr. California: I'm sure that's not gonna be the only scream, Ament's going to enjoy his beauty treatment a lot" she grinned and poured some coffee in his cup.
A few seconds later a lot of insults, laments and swears began to resonate throughout the apartment.
"ALL I'M ASKING IS TO KNOW WHEN THE FUCK THESE TWO BITCHES WILL GET THE FUCK OUT... IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK?!" the bass player growled in a dejected way, trying to not cry because of all the pain he was going through.
"The handyman said three or four days tops..." Layla quickly answered, while the other girl sneered at her recitative skills.

"Good morning, Ed!" Layla cheerfully said entering the kitchen and the guy felt his head explode.
Not counting the booze and the lack of sleep of the previous night, he had never been much talkative in the morning. Translated: when he woke up he usually didn't want to hear anything like human voices for at least half an hour.
Jeff had easily gotten used to his habits but, as long as the girls were to stay at their place, he thought he should have softened his grumpy morning attitude and smoothed the rough edges off.
"Morning" he answered, trying to give her a smile.
"How's it going? Did you sleep well? Oh well, of course you did, you're in your bed! I'm not, but I slept like a log... Not even bombs going off could have awakened me! You only have coffee? No breakfast? You really should eat something... Are you working today?" Layla went on trotting around the kitchen, making herself some cereal and peeling an orange while Eddie stood in silence, trying to figure out what she had just asked and what he was supposed to answer first.
"El, calm down! I don't think Sleeping Beauty's already accustomed to your fuckin' unbearable morning energy" Sara giggled and took a sip of her tea.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry..." her friend suddenly flushed.
"No no, it's ok!" the singer muttered, brushing a few locks of hair from his face.
"Since Layla moved in with me, I don't need any alarm clock anymore, you know" Sara joked and the guy started laughing softly, while the other girl sat down, facing Eddie with an embarrassed smile and giving her flatmate a nasty look.
"It's cool, in San Diego I used to go surfing at dawn in the mist and cold to wake up, so this is definitely a smooth awakening in comparison" Eddie said, managing to put some sensed words together.
"Diving naked into the fuckin' Puget Sound at Christmas Eve would be less traumatic than Layla's chit chat in the morning" Sara told him as she was washing and drying her cup and they both started chuckling again.
"Ha-ha, really funny! And since when you two have become friends?" Layla asked with a smirk.
"Wait, we're not friends! I just felt pity for the poor leprechaun here" the other girl shrugged nonchalantly.
"Sara!" Layla scolded her while Eddie just kept laughing and focusing on his coffee.
"And talking about pity..." Sara added as a really pissed off Jeff walked in and headed straight to the coffee pot.
The kitchen went silent for a while until Layla, after finishing her breakfast, cleared her throat: "Anyway, ehm... you have really nice legs Jeff, you know"
Sara and Ed immediately burst into laughing, Ament instantly became purple with rage and tried to drown it in coffee.
<Three, four days more and the witches are out of here, there's no need to kill 'em – at least for now>
"I was serious! Ok, gotta go now" Layla exclaimed, finally noticing the clock on the wall.
"Try not to kill too many puppies, Miss Cruella De Vil" Jeff remarked with an evil grin.
"I don't kill puppies! And I'm not going to work yet, I'm gonna get some stuff from our apartment first. Are you coming too, Sara?"
"Stuff? What do you mean? Like, bringing here your stupid junk? Listen, honey, you're not permanently moving with us, it's just-" Jeff hissed.
"Just relax, hairless ape! We're only taking a couple of things we need" Sara angrily snapped, following her friend.
The bass player snorted and took a sip of his coffee while Eddie stared at him, obviously wanting to tell him something.
"... What?!"
"Maybe we should-"
"No"
"But-"
"NO"
"I haven't said it yet"
"We're not helping them, full stop" Jeff calmly replied, then opened a box of cookies and bit one.
"I am" Eddie stood up and rushed out of the kitchen and out of the loft, now wide awake.
"Oh, fuck my life!" Ament rolled his eyes and reluctantly followed his bandmate steps.