The City is a place where everything resets after the lights have gone out: relationships, conversations, memories. Everything is inside an irreversible loop and no one knows it. All except for one girl.
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Jule, a resident of the City...
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I still didn't know how I should tell Rom. Leaving him all of a sudden didn't seem like a civil option nor was cutting all ties without explaining things. I've let too many days pass by, the moments where I have had the opportunity to say it flitting past like mosquitoes. I could have crashed at Rom's place today. I could have done it way, way back.
Instead, like a lovesick fool, I stole moments with Rom, every night under the stars. I keep telling myself that I'm not giving Rom anything but, over the days, I've become an expert in believing the lies I tell myself.
Because every moment I spend with Rom, the more I wish to be with him. I want time to stop, for the reset to eff itself off. I hated mornings but looked forward to when Rom and I met at Campus only to ditch classes to explore the City.
I learned to love the City because of him. I found myself loving the world I so long hated because he's...there.
But every second we've been together, there was this nagging feeling at the back of my head saying all of that was fake, that they're all bound to disappear from memory. If I don't right this, Rom will forget me and be alone. I would have succeeded in passing this curse to him.
I spent the last few days not knowing how to explain to Rom. I knew that he would act up and say things like fighting destiny together and other cheesy stuff. I've known him long enough to conclude that he was the type to do that.
I holed up in my house for a day after finding the letter. I couldn't look Rom in the eye without thinking of the things I learned from Mom. I couldn't even let myself be around him for long periods of time for fear that I might disappear in front of him.
I know that he has noticed it. I have closed up, even when I'm with him. He was someone who won't let things go once he noticed something wrong. It's only a matter of time before he's the one who has to open me up by asking.
I don't want to be asked about this. Or about anything. I was not accountable to Rom and I never would be. He doesn't dictate my destiny. I do.
So why?
Why do I find it hard to take control of my fate? Why have I skirted around the only thing left to do and deluded myself into thinking that there was nothing more to it? Why was I even considering what Rom would feel?
Me taking note of Rom's emotion was the main weak link in this charade. I could have gone back to the old me—cold, boring, and unhappy. With the old me, I could come up to Rom, say a few words, and walk away freer than before. I could have fixed this problem in a few minutes.
I could have done a lot of things other than that but I'm always worried about how it would make Rom feel. I don't even know why I'm always thinking of him. I don't know why I'm thinking of people, in general.
I don't know why I've changed.
It's scary to think that all these changes happened when Rom started remembering. Memory and love. Life and change. I wonder how they're all connected.
