Retrograde

Chapter fourteen: Purification

She couldn't take it anymore.

It had been hours since they had returned from the mission and no one had called her a murderer. No one had placed her in handcuffs, no one had even given her so much as a funny look.

Which could only mean one thing: He hadn't told anyone.

Which lead to her only thinking one thing: Why the hell hadn't he told anyone?

She now sat in her room on the very edge of her bed, running through multiple scenarios in her head imagining how each of her team members would react to what she had done.

They would be relieved, knowing that she had taken out one hydra member in the process of trying to take out another. That was their job after all. Or at least it was their jobs for what seemed like forever when in reality the reveal of Hydra had only been a few months ago.

But underneath the relief she would see their horror. They're shock. Because no one would have expected her to do such a thing, that she was sure of. She was a scientist, content to fight her battles using science, not weapons. And she herself had never even dreamed of hurting someone not in self defence let alone killing someone. But Ward... he was different.

The betrayal and pain and rage and everything she had been feeling had returned upon seeing him at that Motel. Then it had all amalgamated into that one moment and she had done it. She had tried to kill him.

But she knew she couldn't blame it purely on emotions. This was pre-meditated, anyone could see that. She had planned this before they had even left. And she had shocked even herself with her desire for bloodshed but one look at Fitz told her she couldn't allow anything like that to happen ever again. To him or anyone else she cared about.

That look on Fitz' face when he was pleading with Ward not to hurt them...she could never see that again. But now she wondered if she would see an equally terrifying one on her friends face if he were to find out what she had done.

She subconsciously brought her fingers to her mouth, biting her nails while she tried to calm her nerves.

It was a terrible habit, one she hadn't engaged in since her first exam at university and even that had only been very brief. She could hear her Mother telling her to stop it, that it was a nasty habit and so unbecoming. But in that moment she couldn't stop.

They would ask her how she did it.

And she would have to tell them. Her weapon of choice spoke volumes. A splinter bomb. Not a gun, or a knife. Nothing that could leave blood or any evidence of what she'd done. She could handle the concept of killing as long as it felt like she hadn't really killed. The splinter bomb was supposed to just 'poof' someone out of existence. Except it wasn't like that at all. She still felt like a murderer. And whether she would have felt like one if she had hit her intended mark she didn't know but she guessed it wouldn't have felt less horrid.

Coward.

The word echoed in her mind, bouncing off the walls until the concept had been well and truly embedded.

Hadn't she called Ward the very same? A coward who hid behind his master, never stepping out of his shadow to enact his own desires. Never staying around long enough to experience the damage he had caused.

Now she was just like him. She had tried and failed to kill him for revenge and left a body in her wake as collateral.

Staring at the untouched, now cold, cup of tea on her bedside table she wondered if it had ever been this hard for Ward, too. To kill. To absorb the action until it became a part of your very constitution. She really hoped it had never been difficult for the man otherwise she would have to feel pity for him. And any emotion other than anger towards her ex-team mate wouldn't settle very well with her.