Not a Fan (Wilbur Soot)

Numb

Aurora laid down her phone next to her, a random Netflix show still playing through her headphones. This was what she wanted. This was who she missed being. So why, why, did she feel so damn guilty? It was like she had painted a completely inaccurate portrait of herself, manipulating her friend into enjoying her presence. 

She wanted to cry, to throw her phone against the wall, to get up and scream. She wanted to do something- anything. Her body wouldn't move. That familiar feeling of nothingness began creeping around her. The same nothingness she had felt for the last two years. 

Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling. Maybe if she held them open long enough, with the addition of the slight breeze from her ceiling fan, tears would form. Aurora missed crying. She missed feeling emotions in general, even the sad ones. 

It felt like the only emotions she could feel anymore were anger and the occasional burst of contentment, something she had quickly convinced herself was close enough to happiness. 

"The prozac will be out of my system soon. Then I'll be able to cry whenever I want." She whispered to herself, shutting her eyes. They were only getting dry and irritated from her staring contest with the fan anyway. 

A muffled maroon voice woke her. She didn't even have to look at her phone to tell it was probably late morning, pushing early afternoon, as the sun was already high in the sky. She wasn't quite sure what her maroon neighbor said, but 'dickhead' was definitely part of it. 

Her air mattress had deflated a bit through the night. She was practically just on the floor as she sat up in her bed. 

"I can turn today around. I'm not letting this go any further." She tried desperately to remain positive. She wanted to recreate the feeling she had the day prior with Niki. She had to. She refused to believe the problem was actually her and not the US. 

Aurora stood, forcing her slightly aching body to lean down and make her bed. 

Rori was organized. Rori was a tidy person who kept her areas well maintained. Nothing like the way Aurora had been sleeping in a bed with several piles of clean and dirty clothes mixed together, her floor unseen in months. Here, she would be Rori. 

She felt her day already begin to brighten as she sat by her window, enjoying the moments the sun peaked out gently between the passing clouds. Simply sipping her hot tea while leaning against the cold glass was enough for her. 

The forecast didn't predict rain for a few hours, making today the perfect opportunity to go outside and start getting acquainted with her new neighborhood. Aurora changed out of her pajamas and into something that was still just as cozy. 

Grabbing her jean jacket and purse on her way out the door, Aurora could already feel her baseline mood of 'not content but not numb' setting in. She smiled to herself, determined to make today a good day. 

She stepped out of her apartment, humming a random melody that had been stuck in her head as she walked to the elevator. She walked through the lobby, seeing a couple other tenets sifting through their mailboxes. She tried giving them each a smile when their eyes would meet momentarily. 

The air was brisk. The light breeze pushing her hair across her back, swaying as she walked. She decided she would walk to the grocery store a few blocks over, trying to remember the route she memorized during her last cab ride. 

She was thankful the walk wasn't too long. For a Friday afternoon, the streets were busier than she expected, clouding her vision with flashes of color with each car exhaust rumbling, strangers talking loudly on their phones, and people laughing as they sat on benches lining the roads. 

The grocery store was much quieter, just the radio playing a channel of popular songs. She browsed the isles, not necessarily in need of much since she had just shopped. As she roamed, her basket quickly filled with more familiar foods from undergrad. She was desperate to hold onto anything that gave her brain a molecule of serotonin. 

"You alright?" The cashier asked, monotone. He was young, probably still a teenager just trying to get through his first job. 

"Yeah, you? I'm just glad the rain hasn't started yet." Aurora answered with a smile, proud of herself for remembering English greetings. She used to get so flustered when everyone would ask if she was alright, thinking they thought something was wrong. Niki was the one who explained to her that 'you alright' was the equivalent to an American 'how are you' or 'what's up'. 

He looked up at her, pausing his scanning. His face was much more expressive than his monotone voice from before. 

"Wait, are you American?" He asked after a moment, returning to his scanning. 

"Oh, yeah, I am. I just moved here a couple days ago." She answered. She wasn't exactly looking for a conversation, but she told herself that she should be more receptive to those around her. Rori was friendly, approachable, a ray of American sunshine in gloomy England. 

"That's awesome! Where are you from?" He asked with a large grin. Once he heard her accent he hadn't taken his eyes off of her, not even looking down as he slowly scanned each item. 

"I'm from the east coast. I actually studied abroad here in college, it's why I chose to move here." She answered, trying to mirror his enthusiasm for this conversation. 

"I've always wanted to visit America! You'll have to tell me the best places to go to." He continued, still smiling, as he scanned the last item. His smile faded a bit as he placed it in the bag, knowing this was goodbye. 

"Oh man, it's a big country." Aurora laughed, pulling out her wallet. "I'll try to think of places before the next time I come in." She falsely promised with a smile, handing him cash for the order. 

"I work most weekends." He said quietly, slowly taking the money. "Or, I could give you my number?" He continued a bit awkwardly, only glancing down to her for a moment before turning to the register. 

"Oh?" Aurora let out unintentionally. She just thought this was a casual conversation with a stranger. She knew from her last trip that having an accent when visiting another country was always an easy conversation starter. 

He didn't make eye contact with her as he placed the change in her still extended hand, taking her shock as a no. 

"I, um, haven't set up my new phone yet, but once I do, I might take you up on that. I could always use friends in the area!" She lied with a soft smile, still processing the situation. 

His demeaner lifted slightly at hearing her postponed agreeance, handing her the bag. 

Aurora kept her head down, trying to get out of the store quickly. The whole situation was far more awkward than she would've liked, especially considering she assumed he was four to five years younger than her. He must've assumed she was around his age. She did often get IDed in the US when she would try to buy liquor or the occasional pack of cigarettes if she went into a store without makeup on. 

"Sorry, excuse me." She said quietly with her head down, nearly walking directly into another person entering the store as she exited. He didn't even acknowledge her as she moved passed him. She rejoined the bustling street, still swarmed with pedestrians enjoying the last few rays of sunshine before the inevitable rain came. 

She put in her headphones, trying to at least gain control over what colors clouded her vision as she stared at the sidewalk for her trip back to her apartment. 

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(1,311 words)