Not a Fan (Wilbur Soot)

Spiraling

"This is what I wanted. I literally begged for this." She muttered to herself, not even bothering to wipe the tears that continued to flow. She walked over to her small painting corner, still messy from the night before, and sat down beside her painting.

Maybe feeling again wasn't all she chocked it up to be.

Aurora pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly. Her crying became heavier as she began panting, unable to calm herself. It wasn't just the morning disappointment making her cry anymore. It was everything she had been numb to. 

Every time she worried her mom.  Every call and text she ignored. The friends she cut off. The long term boyfriend she broke up with.

The death of her dad. 

It felt like she was completely exposed, the thoughts she had reserved to the back of her mind overwhelming her. She could barely see through the clouds of her own cries, slowly pulling herself off the floor and to her bathroom. 

She stumbled, climbing into the tub, turning the water to cold. With a sharp teal screech, the faucet began showering her in freezing water that stung as it hit her skin. 

"I am present. I am here." She repeated over and over, attempting to ground herself, preventing herself from spiraling any further. 

She remained seated on the tub's floor until her skin ached from the cold. Aurora raised her arm to turn off the water. Even after the faucet stopped, her clothes continued to drip freezing droplets onto the hard porcelain floor. Her legs cramped as she stood, barely supporting her. She let her soaking wet clothes fall to the tub floor, stepping out and wrapping herself in a towel. 

She avoided the mirror as she stepped out of the bathroom, certain her face would be red and blotchy from her crying and the near frost bite. 

Her entire body shook as she walked slowly across her barren living room, struggling up each step to her room. The sound of the rain beating against her window competed with the sound of the water dripping from her hair, both creating a haze of deep purple in her vision. 

Aurora was hardly aware of the tears that had already reformed. She was able to maintain a normal breathing pattern and that was enough to be thankful for. She got dressed, layering a long sleeved shirt underneath an oversized sweater, putting on a pair of joggers, and her thickest pair of socks. She leaned down to re-inflate her air mattress before collapsing into her bed, giving into her exhaustion. 

She couldn't remember the last time she had felt so overwhelmed. She was shocked that her old grounding techniques even still worked to some extent. A small piece of her felt guilty for using the ice water method, thinking of her old therapist's warning that ice can be a slippery slope back to self harm. 

I won't go back to that. Things are going to be better here. I'm fine now. I'm Rori. 

She thought to herself, pulling her blankets around her. She didn't want to spend the day in bed, but she had nothing driving her to get up. 

Hours passed by in a haze. Aurora stared at the wall that conjoined her apartment to Wilbur's, wishing she could place the blame on him for beginning her spiral. She wanted to find a way to assign blame to anyone but herself. 

Why couldn't she have woken up just a bit earlier? Why didn't she just tie the bag to the door? Why was she hoping she would get another treat with a note attached back? Why did she have to enjoy the color of his voice so much? Why did she care this much at all?

Aurora rolled over, finally acknowledging her phone for the first time in hours. She wasn't surprised to see a few texts from her mom and two missed FaceTimes from Niki.