Butterfly Kisses

Bunkmates

Joey's P. O. V.

Of all my brothers, Steve was the one I was least angry with. He wasn't prickly and rude like Theo or too controlling like Michael. Jay treated me like a child, and Chris...

Well.

That being said, I still didn't want to talk to the man in a lavender shirt who was tentatively asking to come into the room. Without a door, it was hard to gain privacy, and all the boys had been by to "check" on me at least ten times. But Steve just had to go further.

"May I come in?" He asked, eyes careful as if I were a wounded animal.

"Fine," I reluctantly agreed, crossing my arms.

"Can I just...tell you a little about me?" Steve sighed, climbing onto the bed and sitting cross legged.

"I guess," I sulked.

"Well...when we were little, we were taken from mom because of neglect.  Theo was around six at the time, making Michael fourteen. Michael, Jay, and I didn't have a good chance of getting adopted out since we were all older, but Theo and Chris did, so we split up. Mike and I went to the same group home.

"It was pretty dirty, and all the kids fought over everything. We lived there for three years, and then Mike decided to move out. He worked for six months before he had all the necessary funds to satisfy the government and adopt me out.

"We didn't know what happened to the others, but we never stopped looking. And finally, we found Jay. Jay and Chris had somehow wound up at the same home, and so all four of us moved into a two bedroom apartment. Mike was still in med school, and Jay had started his Criminal Justice classes. Things were looking up.

"Mike met Theo in the hospital, ironically. We were happy to see him again after so long. Each of us had our own baggage though. I won't tell you what the others went through - it isn't mine to share, but I'll tell you my story.

Steve looked lost in his own head for a long minute, staring at his hands. His face was cast in shadows, but I could still see a single tear drip onto his hand. My throat suddenly felt tight, and I didn't know what I should do.

Should I hug him? Stay quiet? Ask him if he was alright? Change the subject?

"The reason everyone freaked out was because of me," Steve whispered, finally making eye contact. "I was depressed - I'd cut myself, walk into things so I'd bruise, I...I quit eating..."

Suddenly, everything was adding up.

"Joey," Michael sounded so disappointed, and I felt what little had survived of my heart disintegrate like dust. "I...I just want to understand. Can you tell me when this eating problem began? What the reason is? Maybe if we understand we could help..."

"I can't do this again!" Jay yelled, making me cower against the couch. "God! Fuck! Fuuuck!"

"You punish yourself?" Steve whimpered, fear burning brightly in his pastel eyes.

"Theo, stop being an ass," Jay snapped. "Abuse isn't a cakewalk. Why can't you be supportive?"

"I don't want to see him bleed out on the carpet or starve himself to death just because you guys look the other way!" Theo yelled, finally losing his temper. "I don't care if that makes me the bad guy, because at least he'll be alive!"

I felt like all the air had been punched right out of me. I couldn't breathe, my chest ached, and I could clearly see why everyone had been so panicked.

"And then...when they got me on antidepressants, I felt numb, empty. I felt like a disappointment, a freak. I didn't understand how it was helping. So I laid in bed, refusing to shower or change. I skipped classes, lost countless jobs, and...

"And then one night I almost bled out. Theo found me in the bathroom completely passed out, and sitting in a puddle of my own blood. They sent me to rehab, and after a year, I finally got out and back to life. It was hard, and it felt like they had moved on without me at first, but then things slowly got better."

I breathed in, trying to wrap my head around it...

"That's why you always wear long sleeves, right? And why they always snuggle up to you when you look down? Is that why Michael cooks?" I questioned, not pausing for answers.

Steve suddenly let out a sob, tears flooding down his face, hands coming up to shield him from my gaze.

"All of this is because of me..." He lamented. "And now everything's a mess! I'm so sorry..."

My anger and frustration melted away. Just like Aunt Garnet, my brothers did have my best interest at heart. I could forgive them so easily now that I had perspective.

Watching  someone go through something like Steve had...I couldn't blame a single one for their reaction to me. Of course, they assumed a lot of things, and they didn't understand Aunt Garnet at all, but I could see how they would perceive things. Their protectiveness, the way they all tried to care for me in their own ways...

"It's not your fault, Steve. I still have issues, but I think you just changed my mind," I comforted him, drawing him in for a hug. "I understand so much more, and I'm sorry I worried you so badly."

"You'll stay?" Steve's head jerked up, a small smile shining through the tears that were still falling.

"Yeah, I'll stay."

"Oh,thank God. I thought we had lost you forever, and just when we found you!" Steve sighed in relief.

"There will be some things we need to discuss, but I guess I can try again," I conceded.

Chris had no right to say what he did, and I was still hurt about that, and I didn't approve of how much control over my own life had been taken away without my consent, but with some context, I understood it better. I just had to show them that I was different than they thought. I would have to be careful to show them that I was honestly alright.

Steve laid down, cushioning his head on my lap. And then we drifted into a more casual conversation. Like what our favorite and least favorite foods were, if we wanted a sister instead of a brother, or what it would be like if elves and other mythological people were real.

It was different than what I was used to, but I found I liked it. The warm coziness that welled up inside from simply being with someone who cared about me...the way it felt to have Steve's pale eyes drinking me in as if I were a priceless treasure. I liked combing through his hair with my fingers, and watching his nose crinkle up when he laughed. I liked how he played with his fingers as we talked, and how his weight on my body reminded me that I wasn't alone.

And it was so peaceful and quiet that we both found our minds shutting down without our say so, eyes closing, breaths deepening, and our responses getting further and further apart until we didn't say anything at all. I didn't care how bad my back and neck would ache in the morning from sitting upright all night...I was just too exhausted to move.
I was too interested in the way Jay looked as a dragon, and Theo looked as a princess anyway. Michael was a knight of course, and Steve was a wise wizard. But I was pissed as heck when I realized I was just the horse.