Random thoughts

1

So, I'm starting with something I never talked about... with anyone, I think. This is so different than things I usually write about: it will be serious, real people, real emotions, the things I experienced and I'm kinda scared to write about all of that, but it relaxes me too so... I have to try.

*Every single name in these stories will be changed.*

Few things you need to know to understand what exactly happened.

1. Our neighbors are old. We moved 4 years ago and my neighbors are great. You need to know about Martha and Martin- they are our first neighbors and I really like them. They're, like 80 or 90 years old, but we get along really well. Since Martin is sick, he can't drive Martha to the store, so my parents do it very often (just remember it, it will make sense later)

2. I really love my dad. Since I was a kid when someone asked "mom or dad" I would always say "dad". It wasn't a question for me. My mom told me that when I was little I literally came to her and said "mom I love you, but I love dad more." (Cringe). Our relationship now is complicated, it has always been. Because he loves my brother more than me and I was always focused on being better than my brother (we'll call him Mark). 2 or 3 years ago I realized how awful I have been to my mom by loving my dad more.

She has been such an amazing mom all this time (and still is, thanks mom) and I'm an awful daughter (literally anyone would be better than me- especially my best friend, let's call her Melissa- she is smart and good at school. She and my mom would talk about books because they both like to read). Anyways, a few years ago I started blaming myself because I was so ungrateful to my mom and was just running to my dad all the time. It came to the point there was nothing I could think about except for the blame I felt. So my dad was my idol. He always has been and no one could have changed that (except for him himself).

Now when you know that, we can start. You know when you love someone and then that someone does something so irrelevant. Something so ordinary, but you're so pissed about it? You start rethinking everything about your relationship and your past.

If it never happened to you, congrats- you're so lucky. Because it happened to me today and that's the reason I'm writing this.

It's Sunday and we're expecting some guests today. There's a lot of work that has to be done, like cooking and cleaning. My mom always cooks. I'm incapable of any kind of activity in a kitchen, just like my dad. Anyways, Martha said she needs to go shopping for groceries and someone had to drive her. Of course, despite being busy, my parents couldn't say no to her. (I just woke up btw when this was happening, so I was drinking my cocoa). My mom was already in a hurry, preparing meat for later and my dad was sitting in front of the TV. Then my mom asked if he could drive Martha into the store and he started saying things like "Do I really have to, can't you go..." And I was like "He's joking, he'll go." But then my mom got pissed, she dressed, took her bag, and went to drive Martha into the grocery store. My dad was smoking and sitting in front of the TV.

You might say "okay, and? Where is the point?"

The point is he was sitting, smoking in front of the TV while my mom (who had a bunch of work already) had to go with Martha. I don't know why, but that pissed me so much. I have never been so disappointed in someone. My dad, a person I always loved, someone I would do anything for, just sitting there. Not doing what he had to. Like... What the fuck? Why?  And the worst thing is that he doesn't seem like he's sorry. He's completely fine with it, making jokes. My mom came back, did everything else she had to and she's fine with it! She acts like nothing happened! Like... How!? If I'm going to be a mom one day and my husband does something like this, I won't talk to him.
I'm not talking to my dad right now. It's been 3-4 hours since that happened and I'm usually not angry for that long. But this fucked me up so hard. I can't believe I spent my whole life loving dad, spending time with him, picking him over my mom over and over, and then he does this! He's just like my brother, cold-hearted. I can't believe this happened, I'll never forget this. It's just so wrong! I'm probably thinking about it too much, my mom already said I have to talk to my dad because "if she's not mad why would I be". And I don't get it... Like, HOW!?

Anyways, I started thinking about everything. I spent so much time with my dad, ignoring my mom. She loves (or loved, idk if she loves me after I said I love my dad more) so much. And I was always like "my dad is the best" "my dad..." "my dad" "dad dad dad". I can't believe I was so stupid. And who does he love? Mark. And why? Because he's a boy. Who do I love? Dad. Why? I don't know. Who loves me? Actually, just my best friend Melissa, my parents both love Mark more, but still. At least mom loves me a little bit, I don't think dad even cares.

Honestly, it sucks. I'll remember this forever. And I can't believe I loved my dad so much.

*P.S. I love both of my parents. I would give my life for both of them, this is just how I feel right now and what is happening in my eyes. It's just my emotions and things I sometimes feel.*
P.P.S. I think they love me too... but just a little bit XD