Random thoughts

Part 10

There isn't a period in time in our lives that would have everything- we'll always miss something. Every part of life brings something else. For example, maybe you had a lot of friends in high school, but you're not so close in college. Maybe you'll have a boyfriend or girlfriend in college. The point is- something will always be missing and there's nothing we can do about it. The problem is being focused on what you have because you're concentrating on the thing that misses. 

There's nothing more important for me than relationships between people (they say that people think about what they miss- maybe that's why I write about love). Family, friends, enemies... it's all important to me. I love being connected with people and I love to study other people's relationships. The connection with my best friend Melissa has never been stronger (at least that's what I feel), but, after three long months, I've seen my other friend (let's call her Leila). My connection with her was, simply, different than everyone else's. We used to tell each other everything and I feel it's lost now. 

We're both in college now and we simply moved on, as expected. She has other friends, just like I do, but I can't be indifferent to her- I love her too much to just not feel something. I'm proud of her, I'm proud of myself, I love her and it's killing me that I know it will never be the same. Time never goes back... it just flows, it doesn't care- and that's something I'm aware of, but still haven't excepted it. My mom and dad don't have a lot of friends and I always thought I'd be different, but maybe I won't. Maybe I'll have Melissa. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I can always can't on her- that's the best thing people can have and many don't. 

Also, when it comes to love... I don't know what I feel. I'm sure every teenager wants to have someone they can talk to, someone they can trust... just that one person whose flaws you accept and they accept yours. Someone you're happy with. But I realized it might just be perfect for me (and stupidly ironic) that I'm alone in the end. My only desire in my life is to be happy. And I always thought I want to have a family and that would make me happy (and it would), but imagine this...

I'm spending most of my life thinking about love, writing about love... I'm always in my head- in that perfect place that doesn't exist where everything is more than beautiful. And if I'd be alone in the end (with no family), that would be an ironic end for me. Of course, the family's not the only thing making me happy, but it's one of the most important ones. A lot of people don't get the things they always dream about, and I might be one of them. 

This is the perfect example of me focusing on bad things... I'm in college, have amazing friends, meeting new people every day, and I'm thinking about whether would I die alone or not. 
The irony of that.
And later in my life (whatever happens) I'll have something and be focusing on the past- why didn't I enjoy my life as a student more?


The one more thing I wanted to talk about is sadness. Everybody should be sad at one point in their life. It's just something o satisfying about the feeling. When you're crying, letting everything you've been holding in, out. Of course, that doesn't mean someone should stay sad forever, or try to make themselves sad... it's just when it comes, it comes. And the feeling of happiness after that... wow. 

Now, the question is, is the feeling of sadness good by itself, if we're only expecting the happiness after it to come? I don't know. For me, I like the feeling of sadness by itself. The happiness after is great, but I see things from a different angle when I'm sad. I have a theory that a good writer has to feel sadness at one point in their life- that's just when the best works are made, at least that's what happens to me. A lot of my work wouldn't exist if I wasn't sad (especially Random thoughts), if someone didn't hurt me, or yell at me... it just wouldn't be the same. 

This part, also, wouldn't exist if I wasn't feeling so sad after the meeting with Leila.

This is all my point of view and I'm interested in what you think.