Not Today | ✔️

Chapter Fifty.

"Tell me how to be in this world
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt
Tell me how, 'cause I believe in something,
I believe in us..."

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There were a few things in this life Evelyn knew with absolute certainty.

1. Pineapple was the single best flavor of gummy bears that existed.

2. Sharks were some of the smartest and most misunderstood creatures that existed.

3. Sparkly muscles were very, very pleasant to stare at (especially when they were Tristan's).

4.Painting would always be better than photography.

5. Ice cream was exponentially better in winter.

6. Evelyn was going to throw Tristan into the Atlantic Ocean while wearing Lady Gaga's meat dress, because what the fuck.

"You what?" she breathed after moments of silence.

"I love you," Tristan repeated, making it so she was now sure she hadn't hallucinated or misheard him the first time. "I'm in love with you."

Evelyn blinked. "Why?"

Tristan let out a breathy laugh, but the normally low, calming sound was saturated in a shakiness that only appeared when he was nervous. "There's no answer to that, Evelyn, because it isn't just one thing. It's the way you scrunch your nose when you laugh and the way you furrow your eyebrows when you want to talk about something serious. It's the way you think you can throw me over your shoulder like an actual boxer and the way the best lie you could come up with for why you were at the gym were sparkly muscles. It's the way every time I see you, it takes every ounce of self-control to live in the moment instead of picking up my camera and capturing it, because this sort of restless grief settles over me when I realize that the moment won't last forever and that, one day, when I look back on it, it won't be in sharp focus, but blurry around the edges, because memories only last so long, and even if, somehow, a specific moment could last forever, it would still feel fleeting, because the closest thing we have to measuring love is in time and I love you so fucking much that no amount of time would be enough."

"Can I sit down? I'm going to sit down," she said and while Tristan gestured towards his chair, she simply sank down, until she was sitting on the floor and he sat down, too, keeping a good distance away from her, as if a physical manifestation of the way he was trying to give her space.

"Did you practice that?" she said after a moment of silence.

"No," he said quietly. "But I've spent a lot of time thinking about it."

"How much time?" she whispered.

"I think I started falling in love with you the second you called me out for being rude in the library," he said, his tone earnest. "But the moment I knew was the night of thanksgiving. You smiled and all I could think about was how I wanted to see that smile for the rest of my life, and selfishly, how badly I wanted to be the one to make you smile."

"That was months ago, Tris," she said, still in some state of shock.

"I know," he said, his voice still quiet as he spoke. "I know. And I tried to work up the courage to tell you, but I was so afraid. I've never felt this for anyone before and the only person I would ask about it is the one person who can't answer," he said and she immediately knew he was talking about his mom. "And if I'm being honest, I'm still afraid."

"This is... a lot to take in," she said, casting her gaze downwards, off of the sincerity in his eyes, as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"I don't expect you to say it back and..." he swallowed. "Or even for you to feel the same way, I understand, but-"