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sohye played with her fingers in mr.sun's class, completely off task, nothing out of the ordinary. math class was the most boring thing to ever exist, she didn't see a need for it.
but today was different, today she was focusing on something much more important; han jisung. he never did anything thing wrong but she knew immediately into it that it would end with her walking away, without any scars. that's the worse part, that the only part of her that would hurt is the empathy she has for him.
giving someone your trust, your commitment, letting them into your life is never easy. the more that we give it seems the less that we get in return and as hard as it is to admit to ourselves that it isn't right, it's even harder to break a great guys heart.
sohye didn't mean to be unkind or to let jisung down and she of course didn't think that he'd fall as hard as he did. but she is certain that she isn't ready to give him what he wants.
he wants to be that man that sohye needs, wants to be that mend, that fix to her broken heart. but he can't be those things, and she knows it all in her heart.
so as she draws in her sketchbook, she writes what she feels too.
she feels sorry that she cannot love him. of course, this isn't a choice she made, but an unconscious feeling. she can't love him because her heart is somewhere else. she cannot love him because she is too selfish, too determined, too content in being the girl on her own.
and her mind keeps wondering back to another boy, to someone she wouldn't have seen coming. he's the first one she tells about good news and the first one she complains to about bad news. in fact, lately, he knows more about sohye than jisung does. seungmin makes her laugh harder and smile wider. he makes her feel good about herself.
its scary, how vulnerable she could be in front of him. it's like second nature, the words just slip out when she. talks to him. it's like they both understand what the other is saying, and that has never happened to her.
and sohye knows it's impossible to please everyone. but despite her best efforts, she takes it all too personally when he gets mad at her or criticizes something she does, because, for some reason, she actually values his opinion.
the worst part, is that she can't see the good part of any of this. she has a boyfriend that she can't love, and his best friend is the one boy who has ever made her heart skip a beat.
some part of her just want's to completely ghost them all, but she knows it isn't healthy. she has to let jisung know what's going on, even if it hurts them all in the long run. he doesn't deserve any of this.
