Dear You

I miss you

Tw: Slight mention of past suicidal thoughts I think, mention of drug use

Dear you,

I'll start this off by stating the obvious. It's good to go with familiar things.

So much has changed. Alot has happened lately and it's honestly kind of crazy. It seems too much at times.

I'm doing good, I hope you are too. I regret some of the choices I've made, but ultimately they've brought me here, and it's not like I can undo anything, only move forward. Besides, here isn't too bad.

I've been working on things like I said I would all those years ago. I've been working on me, my mental health.

Or well,

That's what I tell myself.

In truth I think it might just be an act. I don't  truly "feel good", just jumping from one high to the next. I forgot whether it was dopamine or serotonin. Sometimes it's just plain drugs but not often.

I've retreated into myself. It's ok though, no one's really noticed. Some might be grateful actually. They never really knew me like you did.
I've been working on my art and my skills, but at the cost of needed sleep. Even now it's early in the morning, but how else would I be able to write this.
"Working on my problems" Only means I'm forcing myself to just deal with it, or ignore it entirely until I'm forced to stop. My rooms a total mess. There's so many broken promises, to myselfand everyone else. "I won't be late." "I'll remember." "I won't dissapoint." "I'll be better."

No one seems to care about those anymore. I think they've given up on it.

I said my mental health was getting better during our last "talk" if you could even cl it that, shallow and empty as it was. It might be, I'm going to therapy now. Maybe I just convinced myself and I've been running in place this whole time. I've noticed if I don't keep changing things all that regret and self loathing pours right back in.

I'm tired. I don't want to die, I never truly did (sorry for scaring you, by the way), even in the bad times I clung to that future we made together, one that may never happen now, but it's my tiny glimmer of hope, a saving grace. I'm lonely. It's my own fault. I've missed out on your life lately. Sorry for that too. I still want to do it I promise.

You know I like to think I'm a good person. A good person doesn't lie to most people though. I lied to you to. I hate how good I've gotten at it, far too convincing, because god I really wish I hadn't. (Yes I may have been the one to steal DC's chocolate stash don't tell him)

I wish I could talk to you like we used to. I wish you could rant to me in more then just a passing comment so I could just take some of that pain away from you. Just for a little while.

You look happy. That's good! You deserve it so much. You deserve the world. I love you so much. Another thing I wish I could have done, actually show affection to you. I'd do it now if it wasn't so awkward, I've learned how despite people not wanting to do it with me. In a perfect world I would hug you, and tell you I love you and everything that makes you great while we make those pancakes we used to. The ones after a sleepover with the random stuff we put in on a whim and everything would be alright. But this is not a perfect world, and we are not as close as we used to be.

God I miss talking to you. Like actually talking to you. Or anyone really. I just..I can't do that anymore. It's awkward, and weird. I've tried, believe me, but alot of people apparently don't like you asking them their greatest fear, their biggest pet peeve or why they love that one colour. They won't talk about things they love, or themselves, and they won't let me do it to them.

I miss the late nights, the 3 am humour, the rants on the swing sets, and the dumb little commentary on stupid rom coms. The constant planning on walks, down to the minut details. I don't really talk to the others much. They don't mind me not being so desperate anymore. I think they're grateful, but that's ok. They were never as good as you were.

I've given up actually trying with people now, becoming what they expect was so much easier. I'll stop eventually but..just for a little while. I still haven't figured out who I really am, I'm just as curious as you were. I don't think I'll find it though. It's always just a part to play, and someone always seems to have an issue with it.

God I just want to talk to someone for real.

I'm glad we get another chance though, but I'm sad it won't be like what it was.

I'm sorry I let us grow apart.

I'm sorry this dumb letter is so long.

I don't even know why I'm writing this it'll just end up crumpled on my floor with the rest.

I miss you,

- Your old friend.