𝐓𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐟 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡

𝟏𝟖 | 𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐟 𝐈 𝐝𝐨 𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐟 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭

"Where am I?" I mumbled as I managed to open my eyes, for a second blinded by a bright light shining through the curtain of the nearest window. I looked up into the white ceiling, and different colored patterns began to flicker in front of me. Focusing on one point until others had disappeared, helped me to see sharp enough again.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty," Otto yawned beside me. I slowly recognized the familiar outlines of my room's furniture. "We're at your house, but you can probably tell." My curiosity didn't wait any longer, and I spew questions, one by one, like it was a fire of the dragon's mouth.

"What happened? How did we get here? What time is it?" Otto was about to answer me, but then I noticed the time on my watch. 11:30. "I slept all night and half the day?" I blurted out in shock. I remembered yesterday and rolled up the sleeve of my sweatshirt. The wound was sutured evenly. This couldn't be my job. "Was that you?" I asked.

"Me? Jesus, no, yikes," a friend immediately refuted my assumption. "I told you, that you needed to numb it. You fainted because of the pain. You're lucky I didn't panic and took you to Susanna's brother, who is a doctor. It didn't go without questions, but I managed to brush it away somehow. I also got rid of David's cell phone – on the way I threw it into the river, but before that, I destroyed it to pieces. You know, it's better to be careful. And as for David's body..." Otto paused. I tried to look at him straight in the eye and reassure him of my presence as if it could help him find the right words. But he stared at the ground. The air flowing through the window suddenly got heavier, and I didn't know how to react. An unbearable nervousness made me bite into my lower lip until I felt a metallic taste of blood on my tongue.

"I took care of it, too," Otto said numbly. I didn't even have time to react, he already shoved a glass of water and T-shirt into my hands. His serious gaze suddenly softened. "This time I want you to wear it. Please don't drool on it. It's my favorite," he said, half cheerfully, half devastated. I knew how much effort this charade cost him. I felt the same. Even worse. What kind of friend am I? "If you needed anything, I'll be in the kitchen."

"Thank you," I whispered, my voice breaking. I stared at the green T-shirt with an alien and text I don't believe in humans. Only Otto can buy something like this and wear it as if it was a piece of Chanel.

I took off my sweatshirt covered with blood and replaced it with a clean piece of clothing, trying not to pay attention to the reddish fluid that only proved my growing sins. The fact that I smelled like a detergent powder meant nothing. Inside, I was not clean at all. And to make matters worse, I have defiled the person I care about with my cruel actions.

I ran through my hair with my fingertips and looked down. Now is not the time for regret. I have many other unresolved issues ahead of me. And one of them was my mother's abduction.

When I was ready – or so I thought, I went to see Otto. With unpleasant uncertainty, I stepped into the gloomy living room. It was dark here, even though it was lunchtime, and the sun was shining outside. All the blinds were closed, preventing any beam of light from reaching the surface.

Again, I saw my mom running around the apartment in a nightgown with Snoopy, curlers stuck in her hair, her eyes puffy as always in the morning... I couldn't help but giggle at her clumsiness, which made her hit her thumb on the corner of the table. It looked like nothing has changed, but I knew it was a lie.

Otto stopped the video.

"You don't have to watch it again," he said kindly, placing his hand on my shaking shoulder. Heat came out of his palm, dissolving my fear like a miracle medicine.

"I know," I nodded, touching his fingertips, "but I still want to see it."

"Why?" He didn't understand.

Yes, Ria, why? What is the reason behind your longing to watch your mother being kidnapped? Will it help in her searching? Wouldn't it be easier if Otto told you what he found? It doesn't matter how, but what clue he got.

I shrugged. Maybe I just secretly hoped and wished that something would change when I looked at it again. Or, I wanted to punish myself for not finding anything. Or...

"You're not doing this because it motivates you to commit another murder, are you?" Otto looked at me as if I had it burned on my forehead. He was as always right.

I didn't know what infuriated me more. Whether it was how easy it was for others to read me, or because I couldn't get rid of the 'killer' sticker. All I knew is, that what followed next came quickly, and I couldn't control it. Something in me changed like a switch that had turned on maximum aggression.

"STOP!" I growled at him. Otto had risen from the chair with a loud thud, shocked. He took a step back.

"W-with what?" he stammered. His innocent expression made me even angrier.

"You know!" I yelled, moving toward him, then pushed him against the wall of the fireplace and watched his pupils enlarge. From the corner of my eye, I noticed David's weapon close to my fingertips. How did it get there? Did Otto put it there?

"Ria," he began cautiously.

"Shut up!" I shouted at him, unaware of what I was doing, reaching for the gun.

"You're not going to shoot me, stop!" Otto shouted in horror.

"I told you to keep your mouth shut!" I shrieked like a rabid dog. I didn't see any logic in my behavior. I felt excited by the energy as if several tens of volts had been fired at me. Inside my head, there was loud squealing like at the train station, and I couldn't stop it. I begged for silence and peace, but none of it came. Something inside has told me that all the sounds will stop if I'll pull the trigger. The gun moved to my forehead.

That's it? Am I going crazy? Am I really trying to shoot my brain out right in front of my best friend?

I blinked a few times. My eyes blurred, and tear ducts filled with tears. Everything began to take on a bloody shade. Maybe I'm damned. I killed a man, and this is my hell on earth. Nothing will change unless I burn in the hot flames.

Blurred vision prevented me from aiming the barrel properly.

"Ria," I've heard someone say my name while I swirled around like I was being on a carousel. "What happened to her?" a familiar voice asked.

"I... I don't know." With all my weight, my body pulled me first to the right, then to the left side.

"Catch her!" Someone's hands rested on my back, stabilizing the fall. "Ria," said the other person, "can you hear what I'm saying?" I raised my hand into the air and opened my mouth to say something. I recognized the sounds, but no sound came out of me. "For God's sake, why is she holding a gun? Put it away!" someone shouted.

"I won't touch that thing!" another person said. It was probably Otto. But only probably. I didn't have the strength to analyze that voice.

"Dammit!"

And that was the lastthing I heard before the two voices merged into one until they finally fellsilent.