sinners and saints

a fear to wish away and a needed loss.

"my girl, if looks gave heart attacks, the dangerous men in the shadows were like an audience."

"i feel stupid." takemichi clumsily tied the back of your kimono into a bow. "stop saying that! you look pretty, plus you should be excited. i had been telling hina that mikey was definitely going to ask you to go with him." you stared at yourself in the mirror, you couldn't help but admire the kimono. it was a light pink, black and white flowers on the bottom and flowy sleeves. "he didn't ask me, he just kind of told me i was going with him." he sheepishly chuckled, sitting back down next to you. you huffed and sat, still staring at yourself. "what's wrong, f/n? don't say it's nothing, i can tell. cousin instinct. or somethin'." you didn't even have the energy to laugh. "it's new years." he raised an eyebrow, waiting for you to continue. you let your head fall back, staring at the ceiling. "i'm going to turn sixteen next year. i never... thought i'd make it this far. and at first, i was happy, but now i just.. i don't want to be here. ever since i was, i dunno, eight maybe? i've been waiting to just die. but i was too much of a coward to actually really act on it, and now everyday it's getting harder and harder." you laughed, reaching a hand up. "i keep realizing that if i had just given up the first time i even thought about it, then i wouldn't be having this issue. and now, i'm thinking about a future that i want so bad, but i know that even when i get it i won't be happy. so, i don't even know what i'm doing here." you were lying to yourself. you knew- in whatever timeline you had come from, or maybe even just dreamed about- that you'd grow up. and nothing would change. you'd still be the same coward. part of you thought this was some redemption round to kill yourself while you had the chance.

"..f/n-" you hopped out of your chair, making sure your kimono was perfect. "welp, c'mon. can't keep hina waiting, y'know?" he had made an attempt to stop you, but to no avail. he mentally facepalmed, walking after you. he knew, he was sure you'd save mikey. but someone would have to save you, first.
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an ema, a traditional wood carving used to 'deliver a gift to god'. you listened to the squeaks of everyone writing, everyone wishing. finally, you scribbled something down, the only thing you could think of. just as you finished, you were pushed by all your friends next to you, who were running to see what takemichi's ema said. he was being suspicious about it, in their defense. "oh! n/n! there you are! c'mon, we're all gonna jump together." you blindly followed, still holding your wish. you listened to the countdown, if time moved as fast as your heart was, it'd be next christmas already. you weren't ready.

you weren't ready for it to be 2006.

you weren't ready to be sixteen.

you weren't ready to grow up, not again.

you weren't ready to live, you never have been.

before you could even process it, you were lifted into the air. "wha-" "happy new year!" you slightly flinched at everyone screaming, still trying to figure out what happened. you were set back down, immediately turning to see mikey, laughing his ass off. you stared, just watching him laugh. seeing him smile. everyone, everyone was so happy. but your eyes never left him, they couldn't. "what's that look for? scared of heights?" you blinked at him, it was hard to tell if your heartbeat was calming down or speeding up even more. he'd be fine. you'd be okay. you'd be okay together.
it had been a while since you felt this okay. you smiled, wiping a tear away from your eye. which- if anyone asks- was only there because you were cold. or something.

" 'm terrified, but i'll be fine as long as your here. happy new years, mikey."
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"the first meeting of the year of all members of the tokyo manji gang will begin now!! toman and the black dragons faced eachother in conflict. originally, we had a truce, but that failed. It was cause by a dispute between the shiba siblings. toman clashed with the black dragons on christmas day, and came out victorious. three people here will be discussing the matter! hakkai shiba, to the front!" you gently smiled, watching as hakkai made his way up the steps. he really was tall. "it all started with a lie i had told. in order to... keep up that lie, i dragged toman into my own mess. then, the problem grew bigger, and ended with toman and the black dragons crashing. all of this has been my fault. i apologize." there was a bit of mumbling in the crowd, but people began to speak up. "no worries, hakkai! conflicts are always started by somethin' small anyways!" fifth division captain, mucho. "besides, we won! so everything's a-okay, right guys?!" you stared at the shocked look on hakkais face as everyone told him to lift his head, that no one was going to blame him. "you still gotta place with us as second division vice captain!" mitsuya declared with pride, as usual. as the crowd cheered for the boy, you were happy. he had a family. 

"now! the second person, inui! to the front!" god fucking damnit, what's up with mikey and bringing in guys from other gangs? "seishu inui, from the eleventh generation black dragons." god he was so formal, at least the other one seemed to have a sense of humor. "hajime kokonoi, same gang. the tenth generation black dragons lost to toman. our former leader, taiju, has retired. we have succeeded the gang as the leaders of the eleventh generation." there was a pause before inui finished for koko. ".. after discussing it with mikey..we've decided to join under toman." you watched takemichi tremble as mikey made eye contact with him. "i assign the black dragons to the first division, under takemichi hanagaki's command. got it?" takemichi stuttered out a 'yeah'. "this was their request, to be put under your command." that's strange, you'd admit. "glad to be here, cap-tain!" kokonoi stuck his tongue out as he spoke, grinning. he was a bitch, and you totally wanted to hit him, but he was kinda cute.

"i won't ask you to trust us, just tell us what you need. we'll help."god, this guy was like a dog, needing an owner to hump the leg of. "lastly, i want to talk about something involving the christmas incident. tetta kisaki!" swear to god, if mikey promotes him or something, you'll kill both of them yourself. "you're fired." oh, thank god. "what're you saying? you're kidding, right?" you almost wanted to scream at him to leave yourself, but you didn't feel like getting napped at for 'disrupting president'. "no, you're fired." hanma stepped forward as well, much to your dismay. "whoa, wait up. if you fire kisaki, i'm gone. which means the fifty members of mobius and the three hundred members of valhalla will leave too, and toman will be left with one one hundred. that fine with you?" you grinned as mikey didn't falter. "i don't care, toman's gotten too big." that seemed to panic both kisaki and hanma. "gotten too big? wasn't that the fucking goal?!" what a potty mouth. "so, was your involvement in the christmas conflict done to grow toman?" more mumbles, toman sure was a gossip group. "you lead on takemichi and tied up chifuyu, and then you gave yuzuha a knife to kill her brother. mitsuya and chifuyu told me everything. in order for toman to grow, i ignored your insulting methods. that ends here." 

"no! you'd grown weak, taiju was a threat! i acted for your sake!" as kisaki tried to make his way to mikey, draken jumped in front of him. "hey, who said you could come up here?" hanma quickly threw a punch at the tall blonde, to no surprise. "shut up and let kisaki finish, bastard." kisaki was in line with mikey now, you honestly hope mikey would just beat his ass. "don't listen to those worthless bastards! aren't you going to make a new age? i'm the only one who can help you with that! we're going to grow, and we're going to be the gang that can bring anyone to their knees! you need me, mikey. i will be the shadow you cast, we need eachother!" mikey just swung around, walking away. "no, you're fired. all you'd do is fuck my dreams up." kisaki fell to his knees, yelling out for mikey. then, draken ended the meeting. still, it seemed wrong.

this felt too easy.