Accidental (A Ziam AU)

Chapter 9

"I have to ask you something." I started, a little bit nervous. We were driving to Liam's house on Thursday after Liam's football practice. I had waited two hours, sketching in my car so I could drive him home.

"Go ahead." he said, looking at my face with great interest.

"Do you, um... Do you feel ashamed of me?" I was quiet, because I really didn't want to ask the question. I just wanted to know the truth. I didn't want to see Liam's face as I asked it. I didn't want to see his reaction to me.

He was quiet. He knew exactly what I was talking about. I was talking about how we couldn't even look at each other during school hours. I was talking about how I was only his friend when his family was over.

"I'm not ashamed of you, Zayn." He said, as if he didn't know exactly what I was talking about.

"Liam you know what I mean." I said suddenly angry. I didn't want to be his secret pleasure. I didn't want to be a side thought.

"Zayn-" Liam started, struggling with his words. "You don't understand."

"I don't understand?" I asked, my hands gripping the steering wheel, "I don't think you understand. I'm done with trying to pretend to be something that I'm not. Does that make sense? I'm just done with truly to fool people. I'm done!"

"Zayn-"

"Liam, do you want to be seen with me? And you know what I mean. Do you want to be seen with me as more than just a friend?"

I stole a glance, and his cheeks were shining with tears. He didn't know what to say, looking at me with a disbelieving face. "Zayn. Of course I do... But I'm scared."

"Scared of what? What people would say? What people would think? Why are you so fucking concerned of what other people think?"

"I don't know!" he screamed, finally losing it. "I don't know why I worry about what other people think. Maybe it's easier for you because you don't have people who watch your every move. It's terrifying to think that I would be the laughing stock of the whole school. I don't want to be known as that one gay guy. Yes, I'm terrified."

"You shouldn't be thinking about anyone but yourself. But," I paused, pulling up to his house, "Then again you are only thinking of yourself."

There was a heavy silence. I regretted my words, but there was no way I was taking them back. They were words that needed to be said. I didn't look at Liam. I didn't want to see how my frustrated words effected him. My palms were becoming sweating, my heartbeat was abnormally fast.

"See you around, Zayn." Liam said before taking his practice bag and slamming the door behind him.

The drive home was long. The road was blurry from the liquid threatening to overflow on my eyes. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to face my mother and sisters and tell them that the guy that I think I love gave up on me.

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"Hey, Zayn are you okay?" Harry opened the door to his house wide. It took him a moment to analyze my face to realize that something was wrong. "What happened?"

I just wiped my face with the sleeve of my black leather jacket, "Can we not talk about it for a while." I suggested. I didn't want the very fresh memories be shoved back into my face. I wanted to forget about it, but I feared that it would never happen.

He nodded, inviting me in. He closed the door behind him, talking lowly in my ear, "Just so you know now, Niall and Louis are here."

Niall? Is here? And who was Louis? Was that Niall's friend? I didn't have time to ask before I was walking into Harry's familiar living room, seeing the two familiar faces on the couch. One, was the blonde haired Niall that I had grown to love, and the other was a face that I had seen just about every day. Louis, I figured, was Liam's friend that sat behind him in government.

Niall looked up at me with a bright smile. He had a huge light blue cast traveling up his leg and to his thigh. "Zaynie! Hey buddie how are you doing?"

I smiled, mostly because it was impossible not to smile at the little Irish lad. "Good."

Louis just gave me a kind smile, eyeing me with suspicious eyes. Harry smile and jumped into the spot next to Niall. They pressed play on the movie the were watching, and both ushered me to sit in-between Niall and Louis.

I slowly made my way over to the couch, and sat by the kid who was friends with Liam. He knew Liam probably more than I did, and that thought both intimidated me and intrigued me. I didn't know what he would be like. Would he be like Liam; sweet, quiet, compassionate. Or would he be like Niall; loud, outgoing, loving...

"You okay, man?" He asked lowly in my ear.

I nodded. I wasn't about to go crying to this guy.

"Aren't you Liam's friend?" there was that word again; friend. It reminded me that I hated the feeling of lying to everyone. Why couldn't I just love who I wanted to love without someone breathing down my neck?

"Yeah, but I doubt he'd ever want to talk to me again." I said honestly. I didn't want to talk about this stuff. I just wanted to forget all about Liam, but just that thought stung at my heart.

"I seriously doubt that. He likes you a lot." Louis said quietly, looking at me with serious eyes. I gave him a disbelieving look and he just shook his head, "I know he's gay. He's never outright told me, but I could tell. I know that he really likes you."

I fought the urge to start crying. How could I just assume that he didn't like me enough to hide our relationship from everyone? He was probably terrified, and I made it 100 times worse.

"Whatever you said, I'm sure he'll forgive you." Louis said, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly. "Come to the game tomorrow! He'd love seeing you up in the stands." Louis gave me a smile and I couldn't help but agree to go.

I looked over at Harry and Niall, and Niall had fallen asleep on Harry's chest, snoring softly. What kept me staring, was the look of adoration of Harry's face. He was rubbing Niall's back soothingly as he softly brushed his hair off his forehead. I wished so deeply that I could act like that with Liam while other people were around. Maybe one day he'll get over his fear and love me without shame.