Emerald Eyes - HP one-shots

Expecto Patronum

This story takes place in Snape's memories in The Deathly Hallows. Crack fic.

"I have spied for you and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter."

"But this is touching, Severus," said Dumbledore seriously. "Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"

"For him?" shouted Snape. "Expecto Patronum!"

From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe: She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.

"Lily, After all this - Wait," the old man said, scrutinizing Snape. "How does this work, again? Why is your Patronus a doe?"

"To represent Lily, of course."

"Lily's Patronus was a doe?"

"Of course. She - unfortunately - wed Potter, after all."

"So Lily's Patronus became a doe because James was a stag?"

"That's how it works, doesn't it?"

"So why didn't James's change to match Lily's original Patronus? It seems most likely that his was always a stag, since his Animagus form was also a stag, so it's unlikely that his Patronus changed to match a natural doe on Lily's part. It would also be... less than subtle if he and Lily always had perfectly matched Patronus forms."

"Please, Dumbledore. My stomach is sensitive and riled easily."

"So is mine, Severus. Thus we are left with the seeming conclusion that Lily's happiest memories revolved around James, and James's happiest memories revolved around... himself."

"That seems entirely plausible when it comes to Potter."

"So we have concluded that matter. Now, then..." Dumbledore looked askance at Snape. "Why didn't your Patronus become a stag?"

"I don't care about Potter!"

"But it became a doe. And Lily's did not become a stag, so we have established that one's Patronus does not precisely mirror one's love interest, but rather obeys sexual dimorphism. Unfortunately, yours is the same sex as Lily's, so we may conclude it's not mirroring hers unless you were expressing your inner lesbian."

"My what? Dumbledore, I can assure you that, no matter what idiotic Gryffindor boys may say, wearing my hair long and sweeping about in robes without trousers doesn't mean I secretly want to become a woman."

"That's what I thought. Well, then, your Patronus isn't showing your romantic interest in Lily - besides which, it should be mirroring her original Patronus, not the one she adopted upon falling for James. Unless your happiest memories are of watching her romance James Potter..."

"Please, Dumbledore. I may consort with Purebloods, but that doesn't mean I've adopted their varied and manifold perversions."

"I was just raising the possibility, Severus. Well, then. Yours is the wrong sex to be expressing your interest in Lily, but James Potter... Hm? Could it be that your falling out with Lily was motivated not by her being a muggleborn... but that you were secretly pursuing the same man?"

Snape stared at him for several seconds. "You have gone utterly senile."

"Severus, the Patronus Charm does not lie. Lily's Patronus was a doe because she loved James Potter. James's Patronus was a stag because he loved himself. Your Patronus is a doe because..."

"You are a sick man and I refuse to have this conversation."

"It's all right, Severus. As a fellow closeted wizard, I speak the language, and I know refusal to discuss it is tantamount to admitting it outright."

"Possibly it's because my blood pressure is rising by the second. But never mind that. What does that mean about your own Patronus? Isn't it a phoenix?"

"Severus, I have never denied that the man I love most of all is myself. Everyone who truly knows me knows that. Now, I do know Harry's Patronus coincidentally happens to be a stag. I suppose he takes after his father in that respect. So, if it's not the father you love maybe it's the son."

"Dumbledore, you are three seconds away from an Unforgivable."

"An Unforgivable? Not specifically the Killing Curse?"

"Dumbledore, after what you just said - if I favored the son, my Patronus would become a suckling pig."

"Dear me. You are a harsh one, Severus."

"Wait, Minerva's Patronus is a cat, and I happen to know that vile woman Umbridge also has a cat Patronus - she demonstrated briefly in her N.E.W.T. Defense classes. Does that mean the two of them..."

"Nonsense, Severus - that is a coincidence."

"Well, how do you know mine is significant, then? Have you considered that perhaps my natural Patronus is a doe?"

"Severus, be serious..."

"This is absurd in the first place. Having the same animal as a Patronus is an indication of love? Lupin's Patronus is a wolf. Black was a dog Animagus and probably had a dog Patronus. Wolves and dogs can interbreed. Does that mean Lupin and Black were a couple?"

"Well, take my brother Aberforth. His Patronus is a goat. Do you want to know why?"

"Given what I've heard about your brother... no."

"Of course. The truth is actually that we had a mentally-impaired little sister that died when she was very young. The most she was capable of doing was, on her best days, helping to feed the family goats. Aberforth was very fond of her; it absolutely broke him when she died. So his Patronus is a goat, because goats remind him of those scarce and fleeting moments when our little sister, despite all her illnesses and troubles, could be briefly happy."

"That's... actually rather touching, Dumbledore."

"Yes, but I find it much funnier to put about that he has a romantic interest in goats."

"You are a weird man, Dumbledore."