For Always (book one)

Chapter 16: Transitions

Beau

I didn't know what to think as I lay next to Malyn as she slept. After hearin' her say my name, which I thought I'd never hear her say again, I knew I wanted to hear her say it over and over again. I'd never thought of myself as selfish, but I guess we all are, in one way or another.

I wasn't supposed to still be here, but here I laid. Honestly, I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that, just yet. One thing I was sure about, though, was that I was here to stay. Max told me that it wasn't my fault, but I knew it was. It had been two days since our attempt to get me outta here failed. As I laid next to one of the reasons I was still here, I thought about how mad I was when I realized I wasn't goin' nowhere, after all.

"I chose to leave," I'd said to Max with frustration, tryin' to understand what was goin' on. "Why didn't I?" I couldn't remember everything that happened, just bits and pieces. But I know his attempt did take a while 'cause by the time he got done it was already afternoon.

"You knew there was a possibility that it wouldn't work. All your energy was workin' against us, and top that off with your feelin's for Malyn and—"

"But I told her bye," I interrupted. "I know it's in her best interest that I go."

"But is it in your best interest?"

"What do ya mean?" I asked. "We all know it's best if I leave."

"That's not what I asked," he said, shakin' his head. "Your interests... where do they lie? Do ya still have a longin' to move on, to finally get away from here? Or do ya still long for her?" When I didn't answer, he continued. "This process is a process of the heart, not what your mind thinks is best. Your spirit is connected to how ya feel, not what ya think. You can tell yourself over and over that ya wanna go, that you're gonna go, but if your heart ain't in it, it doesn't matter what ya tell yourself."

"So, it is my fault that it didn't work?" I thought he was tryin' to convince me that it wasn't, but he seemed to be tellin' me otherwise.

"Have ya not been listenin' to a word I've said?" he asked but didn't give me time to answer. "Your mind, the part of you that ya can control, may have been ready to go, but your heart, the part ya can't control, wasn't. It was out of your control. Your heart won."

I sighed. "Who knew my heart was so selfish."

"You're not selfish, Beau, you're in love. Feelin's just can't be turned off on a whim."

"But I can't be in love with her."

"But you are. The question, now, is what do ya do about it?"

That was a good question. What do I do about it? I started to laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Well, I've spent the last hundred years wantin' nothin' more than to get outta here. Then, when I finally meet the one person who can help me with that—" I stood up, spreadin' my arms toward Max, still laughin', mainly outta frustration "—ya tell me my heart just ain't in it no more." I turned and groaned, kickin' the tree stump. "Damn my friggin' heart!" I turned back toward the river, wishin' I could just drown myself again.

Max seemed a little taken aback by my outburst. "I know you're upset, and to be quite honest, I don't know how to help ya with that. But I do know that this doesn't have to be it. We can try again. Maybe you're feelin's will change over time. Then you'll be ready." He looked at me questioningly, like he was afraid I'd yell again.

"Sorry, Max... for yellin'. I'm just so...." I shook my head, not knowin' what else to say.

He came and stood next to me. "I know of ways to help you while you're here. There are devices that you can carry with ya so you don't have to rely on the plasma ball all the time. I think they'll work just the same. And the more ya use 'em and stay in your solidified form, the better off you'll be, no matter how this turns out."